Don't Talk To Aliens

Image: Acid Pix via Flickr

“I know humans are trying to communicate with aliens. And aliens are trying to communicate with us! Do you think we’ll discover the existence of aliens in our lifetimes?” —Spacy Tracey

Aliens have been reaching out to us for sure. But we’re not entirely sure how to take their calls. And next year we’ll start broadcasting towards them, probably sports podcasts for starters. It’s hard to know what would make aliens like us. It’s like a really tough blind date to go on. They may be juggalos.

Imagine that. Insane Clown Posse being the biggest band in the universe. After their march on Washington this weekend, I do have newfound respect for juggalo culture, certainly. They do have the ability to organize and protest peaceably. Very impressive. I do not understand their affection for Faygo drinks. I am more of a Moxie soda guy. But respect, juggalos, respect. If the universe is filled with juggalos, we could do worse. Like Foo Fighters fans.

If aliens were going to visit Earth, now would not be a great time. 2017 isn’t an Olympic Year. There isn’t a new Beyoncé album out (yet). And this Trump guy would go on the mother of all tweetstorms if they suddenly showed up. We always imagine that aliens will someday come and destroy Earth. But they’ve done a pretty good job avoiding us so far. They may be helping us exist for all we know. Those comets that would hit Earth right on the button? Maybe they’re shooting lasers at them for us.

If they wanted to destroy us, they could probably send a comet or a photon torpedo from 5 billion light years away that would hit Times Square and cut the Earth into ribbons. They haven’t (yet)! That suggests to me not that they’re peaceful. It’s more like we’re boring and we have little to offer aliens outside of Beyoncé. Don’t take Beyoncé away from us, aliens! Clone her! But leave her with us!

I do think we’ll discover that there are aliens in our lifetimes. I plan on living a very long time. And to do so hopefully by transferring my consciousness into sexier and sexier robots every time. But aliens are out there and it would be nice to confirm that in a friendly way. It would cause another round of insane xenophobia. This time it would be humans v. new alien species. In “Star Trek” most aliens look like humans, they just have weird crinkles on their noses and ears. But I bet the aliens we will meet will be very different. Possibly with tentacles. Everyone loves those. And they probably won’t magically speak English, so we will need Dr. Amy Adams to help us learn their language like in Arrival. But imagine how much they might be able to teach us! There’s a whole other planet with its very own Shakespeare plays, Beatles songs and episodes of “Space Sopranos.” Imagine all the new stuff on Netflix to explore!

Maybe humans wouldn’t feel so alone knowing that there were others in the galaxy who were somewhat friendly and stand-offish. Maybe we would come together on a global scale. Work to protect our planet and treasure the things that make us human. But most likely we will try to selfishly use what the aliens give us and sell other humans to the aliens as food or slaves. We do not have a great track record for treating each other well, especially under duress. I imagine the aliens we meet will be more powerful than us. But maybe not. Maybe we can only tweet and email with them. That might be nice, too. Pen pals! A billion light years away. Describing their strange world. And sending us naked selfies.

“The X-Files” always regarded the aliens as a threat to the Earth. But maybe they can let us borrow their lawn mowers and stuff. Possibly they have things that can help us clean up the Earth. Or make flying cars. Even more than meeting aliens, I would really like to see flying cars before I die. I don’t think they want to conquer us or they probably would have done that already. Are we already conquered and we don’t know it? Is that what this Trump thing is?

I also think it would be great to know about alien cultures and planets because it would make property values go down. If there were more planets with more Parises, New Yorks and Beijings on them, maybe our rent will go down? This is possibly just wishful thinking. But isn’t it nice for like 5 seconds to believe that the future might just be full of possibilities and promise? As opposed to a slow ride to the grave? I guess that’s just what the idea of other life in the universe might give us back. Wonder. Hope. Possibly new kinds of tacos.

Aliens get a bad rap. They pop out of our stomachs unexpectedly. Or probe us up the butt. Or eat all of our Reese’s Pieces. But so far all they’ve done for us is good. They’ve stayed away. They’re giving us space to work out our own problems. Maybe we can meet aliens on Mars in a few years, we could have a big aliens AWP conference with book tables and everything.

Tracey, the future is bright. And filled with aliens. And tacos! Forever and ever.  

Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.