Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLV
Just because you don’t follow football and will only be watching the big game Sunday for the commercials and waiting around for “Glee” to be on doesn’t mean you can’t sound smart in front of your judgmental (probably terrible) friends and family. As a public service, we’ve let noted liver-in-his-mother’s basement Jim Behrle once again collect some semi-brilliant things for you to spout out between nacho bites that might just make you sound like you’ve seen an American Football game before. He’s been locked in his man-cave listening to sports talk radio for the past six months: he has plenty of wisdom to spare.
NOTE: Concussion jokes will be very in this year, as at least 3 players will be peeled off the turf from swooning head shots.
PRE-GAME
“This could be the last NFL football game we see for a year or two. With the impending end of the Collective Bargaining Agreement, I think next February we’ll be watching Premiere League Football and not any kind of Super Bowl.”
“If Steelers Pro Bowl center Maurkice Pouncey can’t play in this game it could spell total defeat for Terrible Towel Team. He is the key to this game. No disrespect to back-up center Doug Legursky, but he was responsible for at least [maybe hold up two fingers for emphasis here] big problems with the exchange and one safety in the game against the Jets. The Steelers can ill-afford to make such mistakes in the big game.”
“Did you see that beatdown President Obama gave to Bill O”Reilly earlier? That’s what the Packers are going to do with the Steelers: Wipe the Matrix Artificial Turf with them.”
“With the ice storm and two of the most-followed teams in the NFL, this might be the Highest Rated Super Bowl in History. In spite of the Black Eyed Peas.”
“’Yins’ is Pittsburghese for ‘y’all.’ And just like ‘y’all,’ ‘yins’ should never be used by anyone.”
“The way to beat the Steelers is to spread the field with 5 wide receiver sets and use short passes underneath their coverage to slowly gain yardage. The way to beat the Packers is to throw to the opposite side of the field from cornerback Charles Woodson.”
“Did you see that beatdown Christina Aguilera gave the Star-Spangled Banner? That’s what the Green Bay Packers are going to do to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Make them walk around like bow-legged, tuneless tramps.”
“Did you know that in Pittsburgh they put French Fries in all their sandwiches? No, seriously! Inside them.”
“I’m glad the peaceful conditions our game is played in today are brought to us by horrible deals we’ve made with brutal dictators all over the world who we need to have repress their people and pervert democracy so we can consume so much food and resources getting fat and stupid.”
“Without cheerleaders the game’s underlying homoeroticism should be front and center this year.”
FIRST HALF
“I have a concussion just from watching all these commercials [slap knee]!”
“For a guy nicknamed ‘The Freezer,’ B.J. Raji did nothing but complain about the cold weather in Dallas this week. Maybe they should call him ‘The Air Conditioner.’ Or ‘The Big Fat Complaining Machine.’”
“If Aaron Rodgers is going to emerge from Brett Favre’s shadow it won’t be by throwing more touchdowns than Favre. It will be in being more proficient when the game is on the line and making sure he’s not trying to force the ball someplace in the defense it can’t possibly go.”
“If Budweiser is really owned by Belgians, how come they haven’t bothered to make it taste any better yet? I know Belgium will soon be two countries, but please fix our piss-foamy King of Beers, you Eurotrash whores!”
“Wherever Mubarak’s going, I wish they would send Joe Buck there too. In a hefty bag filled with his own poo. [All real fans of sports know that saying the announcer sucks is the truest sign of fandom. But Troy Aikman, with his multiple concussions, still calls a rather lucid and admirable game. Joe Buck is the son of a great announcer and a noted asswad. Feel free to tear him to shreds through out Superbowl XLV.]”
“It’s true: nothing is gayer than eating Doritos. I should know. Mom, I’m gay. Pass the Doritos.”
“Ben Roethlisberger shouldn’t be playing in this game. If the NFL was serious about eliminating violence against women from the league they would have banned him for the year. The Steelers would still probably be playing in this game without him.”
“I can’t believe that punt hit the giant scoreboard and they have to re-kick it. This has been an awful week for Jerry Jones. With the weather problems and now his insane ego-sized stadium flatscreen, the Super Bowl won’t be held in Dallas again until Willow Palin-Romney’s 2nd term as President.”
“If Troy Polamalu had short hair he never would have won the Defensive Player of the Year Award, which should have gone to the Packers’ Clay Matthews anyway. His hair is way better! But that hair makes his random, hunch-fueled sprinting into tackles look so much more impressive. Like the way Willie Mays wore baseball caps that were too big for him. And when he’d run they’d fall off, and people thought he was running faster than he actually was. Troy’s blustering long locks, wavering in the wind like a pirate flag, make him look much faster as he runs on his strained hamstring toward a possible tackle.”
“Rashard Mendenhall has an opportunity to become a superstar today. Because Ben Roethlisberger will need to throw around 500 touchdowns to win the MVP tonight.”
“If I was Coach Tomlin, I’d let Steelers’ cheap-shot artists James Harrison and James Farrior off the chain tonight. Although the NFL has been fining players for violent hits to the head of helpless receivers, that’s how they both play most effectively. You can always take the fine money out of their Super Bowl Championship shares.”
“They say the play doesn’t start until Ben Roethlisberger is hit, but actually the play doesn’t start until he’s hit and not wrapped up by a defender. If the secondary stays with their receivers and Packers wrap him up, it could be a long day for Big Ben.”
“Did Ozzy Osborne just bite the head off of Justin Bieber in that commercial, or is it just my concussion talking?”
HALFTIME
“They should just have Prince do the Half-time Show every year.”
“Eazy-E’s lasting legacy won’t be his outstanding work with N.W.A. Or even his iconic jerry curl. It will be destroying the Earth with the bullshit sound of these so-called Black Eyed Peas by allowing them to be signed to his Ruthless Records label in 1992. I do hope they play ‘My Humps’ though. And Fergie is kind of hot.”
“The most difficult thing for all the players in the Super Bowl to adapt to is the long halftime break in the game.”
“I wonder what Jets’ Coach Rex Ryan is doing right now. Maybe he’s played with the tint on his TV to make the Packers’ jerseys look green like the Jets. Wherever he is, he is probably guaranteeing a Jets’ Super Bowl victory in 2012 to his dog. And masturbating.”
SECOND HALF
“Expect the Packers to try to tie a bow on this baby by running out the clock in the second half. James Starks has really emerged at the right time for this. And perhaps, if the Steelers get in close, ‘The Freezer’ can punch the ball into the Endzone like ‘The Fridge’ did for Chicago against New England [Say “Aw Yeah” and head-butt whoever’s next to you].”
“People say that Defense wins Championships, but really, let’s be honest: Championships revolve around who can run the ball most effectively. And [insert name of whoever’s winning at the moment] has just been more effective so far.”
“I hope those old men from the Visa Commercials who have gone to every Super Bowl all fall asleep during this game. And the cameras catch them drooling onto their press passes.”
“Clay Matthews is carrying a chip on his little golden blonde shoulder today. You have to know that he can be a game-changer when the game is on the line.”
“It’s clear that the Replay System needs to be fixed in the NFL. It shouldn’t be up to Head Coaches to decide if plays are worth a second look down on the field by the referee. And losing a timeout is too stiff a penalty on some of these plays that are too close to overturn. The NFL needs to have an extra video replay judge or two in a booth above the field who can instantly make calls. And with all the TV timeouts the players are already subjected to, it wouldn’t be hard to give teams 4 or 5 challenges a game instead of 2. If they can figure out whether a 150 mph tennis ball hit the back line or not in less than 5 seconds, they can use goal line technologies to figure out whether a football broke the plane of the end zone in less than 10 minutes.”
“I’d be worried about going to an Overtime. With the new rules they instituted after last year’s Super Bowl, you have to think Offensive Coordinators would rather take a big chance for a trick play in the 4th Quarter than get into a weird Field Goal Kicking game of Chicken in an Overtime period. The Super Bowl has never gone to an overtime. No one wants to make a mistake in an extra period with a Billion people watching.”
“I’m sure the Super Bowl will be played in London in the next ten years. Taking the NFL truly global could be Commissioner Godell’s lasting legacy. As opposed to being treated like a bitch by Coach Bill Belichick.”
“Did you know that John Madden hates flying so much he had to quit calling football games? In fact, he’s been stuck in San Diego for two years, waiting for a lift home.”
“The Packers’ dominance should come as no surprise. They’ve been plagued by injuries all year and have somehow stayed in the hunt through it all. Cutting Brett Favre loose is looking like a super-smart move right now.”
“I think they should have Offensive and Defensive MVPs named at the end of each game. Because too often we’re wowed by the flashy offensive player when one of the guys in the trenches is the one who truly made the biggest difference in the Super Bowl.”
POST-GAME
“I usually DVR ‘Glee.’ So I can masturbate to it while everyone else is asleep. I love 27 year-olds playing teenagers, that definitely sends the right message to every kid that hates their body in America!”
“Thanks for having me! It was a great time. I’m sorry I won’t remember it tomorrow, but you know, this concussion…”
Jim Behrle will be appearing at Fake AWP tonight in Brooklyn.