Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLIV

I know that most of you will be watching “Project Runway” on your DVRs or rereading “Middlemarch” during Sundays’ Superbowl. But in the interest of helping you fit in with any football-lovers you may encounter, well, we can help. Just make sure to drop a few of these golden ditties.

BEFORE THE GAME:

1. “Dwight Freeney is the key. If he can’t play, or plays but can’t push coming off the edge, the Colts are going to have to get better interior pressure on Brees.”

2. “I heard CBS was going to run a pro-abortion commercial, too. It starred the entire cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

3. “If Reggie Bush is going to get to the House, he’s going to have to be much more elusive in the Red Zone.”

4. “The Saints defense is rated 25th in the NFL. That’s below both the Snorks and the Smurfs.”

DURING THE FIRST HALF:

5. “We might be witnessing the greatest aerial assault since Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen held his ‘Bloody April’ in 1917!”

6. “Well, this game sucks. But there’s only 11 days til pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training.”

7. “If that gray ash stuff keeps the smoke monster away, why don’t they sprinkle a little around the entire circumference of the island?”

8. “I haven’t seen a Saint get burned on coverage that bad since Joan of Arc!”

HALFTIME:

9. “Man, I miss Prince-I mean, I miss Janet Jackson’s rack.”

DURING THE SECOND HALF:

10. “Peyton Manning is only pretending to change the play at the line of scrimmage. He’s actually composing a Language Poem.”

11. “The Saints’ only hope is that, at some point during the third quarter, Caldwell decides to rest his starters for the offseason.”

12. “That tackle was so homoerotic, it could have been a commercial for that Mancrush or whatever the hell it’s called website!”