'American Idol': Are Cougars Freeloaders on Tween Lust?

by Natasha Vargas-Cooper

Richard Rushfield, the preeminent American Idol scholar of our time, and author of the forthcoming Hyperion book ‘American Idol: The Last Empire,’ has long maintained that the television singing competition show is being destroyed by young girls-but helped by older women voters. Natasha Vargas-Cooper, the preeminent scholar of lady sexuality since Camille Paglia went off wherever she did, and author of the forthcoming ‘Mad Men Unbuttoned,’ is not having it.

Natasha: Have you ever seen such a calculated and pandering move the likes of Casey James Singing to Older Ladies this week, with ‘Mrs. Robinson’?

Richard: That was a brilliant maneuver worthy of Von Clausewitz in the annals of stratagem.

Richard: The only thing comparable in American Idol history was when Kristy Lee Cook sang “God Bless the USA,” in terms of pandering to your base.

Natasha: Sun Tzu levels.

Natasha: How would you define Casey James’ base at this point?

Richard: I would say Casey has two things going for him.. The cougars clearly are at the head of the table at Casey James Inc. But he is also the only country/traditional rock person left, so he’s got that demo as well.

Natasha: How powerful is the cougar demographic?

Richard: Well, I think something interesting, a great unreported story, is that cougars may be on the verge of topping tweens in influence.

Natasha: This is a disheartening analysis.

Richard: Certainly at the very least what we have seen now for the past two years is a coalition government between cougars and tweens that propelled both David Cook and Kris Allen to the championship. In combination, that alliance is truly unstoppable

Natasha: Let’s get a working definition of these ladies.

Richard: Well I take a nuanced view of cougars. It used to be something very specific, lounge crawling mid 30’s — late 40’s divorcees, prowling for younger men.

Natasha: Right.

Richard: But now I think it refers to any women say ages 35–55, who are sort of adventurous, outgoing, aggressive in their approach to pop culture.

Natasha: I see them more as an amorphous glob of glitter and leathery skin.

Richard: You take a very close minded traditionalist view of cougardom. I mean, leopard prints are still crucial! They are still part of this! I’m not downplaying that.

Natasha: I know these ladies. In other circles they’d be called ‘scrapbookers’ or ‘security moms’ and I think their cougar influence on Idol is disruptive.

Richard: Well, here’s the thing about the cougars, and this is something that you have to look in the eye, and be willing to see if you can overcome your own hate and prejudices to acknowledge: They have actually shown pretty good taste — within certain confines — in the Idol world.

Richard: At the very least, they have acted as a leavening force on the tweens.

Natasha: This is what happens when a society loses its buffers between an adult world and a tween world. Social hierarchy is subverted and we all lose. If Casey James is the new American Idol then we as a Nation have lost our way.

Richard: Cougars are, at a surface level, motivated by the same things as tweens, a grown up version… looking for the cute boys. BUT Cougardom is not a monolith. They are more diverse and unpredictable then you might think. It has not been all about the pretty face. For instance, this year, I think we can say definitively now, cougardom is in fact divided between Casey and Lee.

Natasha: Both men are of substantial good looks. There are no harelips on the finalist stage.

Richard: Cougars actually are willing to side with the smoldering talents over the pretty face. Chris Daughtry over Ace Young…David Cook over… yes, I mean, there are limits. And let’s face the facts — cougars will never ever support a female contender.

Natasha: Why not?

Richard: Well, it is still about a fantasy displaced sexual fulfillment. That much they share with the tweens.

Natasha: This is the problem, if you call for purity of intention in your ranks.

Natasha: Such as, tweens not just ruthlessly eliminating female contenders in order to secure their access to the Imaginary Boyfriend. So then cougars are even more perverse in their motivations.

Richard: Alright let’s establish some basics here.

Richard: As an Idol historian and an American citizen?

Richard: First of all, I don’t approve, as a general rule, of people expressing their libidos in public. I think people’s sexual desires belong buried in their closets.

Richard: As one who believes the American Idol winner should always be female, clearly the macro effect the cougars have had, particularly in coalition government with the tweens, has been hugely pernicious.

Richard: BUT.

Richard: Looking at the world as a practical man, which I must, dealing with the world I’m given not the world I want, I have to say within the confines of the above caveats, the cougars influence on this coalition has been very sophisticated and for the better.

Natasha: This is where we depart because I think the cougars have a corrosive force in the Idol Dome, as witnessed by the finalist slot being held by Casey James instead of some one like Magnus. I would actually say that more lovely female contenders fall at the rusty blade of the cougars than tweens.

Richard: Well, you know I served as a general in the Magnus Militia, so I feel the pain of that. I condemn their brutality towards the female contenders, who are my people.

Natasha: Well their brutality is much more nefarious sort because it introduces a dangerous element: sex.

Natasha: The motivation of the tweens is pre-sexual. Something without condoms and buttholes. It’s just snuggling or a prom date or whatever.The cougars on the other hand…

Richard: Okay, first of all, watch your language.

Natasha: THEY HAD THEIR TIME TO BE TEENAGERS. THEY CAN’T COME BACK AND HIJACK IT FROM THEIR DAUGHTERS. THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

Richard: While I certainly abhor display of emotions in the public square, I can’t help but applaud the cougar women of an age demanding their rights to do so, as men have been gross for centuries.

Natasha: You cannot point to another country’s secret prison camps and say “Well they do it.”

Richard: I mean, you look at Bon Jovi performing last night, I don’t know who he goes out with, it’s probably someone inappropriately aged. Essentially he is in style and lifestyle a male cougar.

Richard: And that’s not going to be banned anytime soon.

Richard: So instead of doing the impossible- trying to shove Bon Jovi in a closet, why not applaud the women brave enough to stand along side him?

Natasha: No! Cougars bring in a poaching, predatory sexuality into the Idol Dome that I am not at all comfortable with.

Richard: We start from the same place here.

Natasha: Women with c-section scars are not allowed to be crying over the same boys tweens are!

Richard: I am not comfortable with that either. I want a world where Carries and Kellys and Fantasias rule this competition, but that’s never going to happen again.

Natasha: Tweens have earned the right to have pre-sexual desires expressed through text messaging.

Richard: So I can sit here and demand we go back to 2005 or I can accept the world we have and look at it and say, they have actually been pretty smart and sophisticated in their choices.

Natasha: The cougars need to remain a minority. We can throw them some scraps to make sure they don’t revolt and attempt some kind of bedazzled pleather covered coup. They sexualize Idol much more than the tweens do.

Richard: Your tween friends are doing it wrong and in their little adolescent dream date joyride, they are destroying it for everyone and they are the ones who need to be disenfranchised!

Richard: In this world where people are sadly allowed to express their opinions, I think the cougars represent an excellent check and balance on the tweens.

Natasha: I think the tweens will allow a woman to win again. It’s a crisis in leadership.

Richard: Yes, some day a girl will win again.

Natasha: But it will be no thanks to the cougars.

Richard: But she will be like Jordin Sparks, perky, smiley unthreatening.

Natasha: No, let me tell you who she will be like: she will be the next Clarkson.

Richard: You are living in a dream world, wake up and smell the carnage.

Natasha: Listen to me. If we agree on the goal.

Richard: We do!

Natasha: We’d like to see another Clarkson take top prize.

Richard: But your thought about how we would get there is completely misguided and self-deceiving.

Natasha: Then the demo to go with are the tweens not the cougars. Nothing is more terrifying to a cougar than a younger usurper.

Richard: Do you really think those people would ever give Carly a chance? or Megan?

Natasha: Carly is beyond Idoldome. Some people are not meant to lead.

Richard: Who is the brainwashed one here!

Natasha: Just because I enjoy Cormac McCarthy as a novelist doesn’t mean he should command an army. Carly is a wonderful artist but Tween Queen she is not.

Natasha: Do you think cougars will allow a female contestant to win? IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS?

Richard: No they never will…but the question is:

Richard: Is it better to have Jordin Sparks as a token female winner…

Richard: or…if the cougars had had their way, to take Bo Bice.

Natasha: Look, the Jordin Sparks issue is fraught with emotional and political implication, Jordin Sparks is the late term abortion of Idol Politics.

Richard: Well, this is the real world. You can’t only look at the evidence that suits you.

Natasha: Ultimately, a necessary evil.

Richard: When you dream of the tweens accepting a female champion again, that’s what you’re going to get. So look Jordin in the eye.

Natasha: We all need less attractive friends who will support us in our quest for boyfriends. And to provide a soundtrack to diary-entry writing when you’re grounded.

Richard: You are monsters.

Richard: Shame on you all.

Natasha: How are you going to feel when Casey James wins American Idol?

Richard: I at this point on principle support the Bowersox, even though she is a hippy and yelled at me. But I know that probably cant happen so if it doesn’t, I would be happy for Casey to win. But more important, if/when Lee wins….

Natasha: Will he be my boyfriend?

Richard: He will owe it to the coalition government. You have to acknowledge both parties, in that the world of cougars is not black and white as much as you’d like to paint it that way.

Natasha: There is scarcity in the market.

Natasha: Boyfriends are a commodity.

Natasha: Not a public good.

Natasha: Cougars are freeloaders on tween lust.

Natasha: The invisible hand needs to pull the bra straps back on their shoulder and send them on their way

Richard: Cougars are distillers and perfecters of tween lust. They do it better than the tweens.

Natasha: Cougars shouldn’t be texting unless it’s to tell their husbands what time their mammogram appointment is.

Richard: You know, I think its a beautiful thing that women, after surviving decades of loveless marriages and romantic disappointment, can turn on the television and in the strains of Kris Allen or Bo Bice still believe in that magical place they once sought… but this time, they can paint it with a full palate of oil colors, not just a handful of crayons.

We have received late word from the leader of the tweens herself, the legendary Ashley “Crying Girl” Ferl in response to our inquiries at her twitter account.

She writes: “I know more people my age going for Casey. Only a few think Lee
well for tween crushes. I almost forgot how good otter pops are 🙂 What’s there to understand? Obviously the tween cuteness thing isn’t working out cause if it was aaron would still be there so they must be getting help from the people like kara who think he is ‘hot’ or whatever.”

Her comments were sadly interrupted by math class, which had just begun.

What light this casts on the discussion above is difficult to see, but readers should certainly be advised.

Further N.B. Since no actual voting demographics are available, we are forced to work off anecdotal evidence, which as historians, is not ideal, but sadly all that is available. So don’t you people email us and say ‘You can’t prove this… I’m neither tween nor cougar, we are all Americans!’ We’re making do with the evidence available.