American Idol: The Fascism of Tweens and the Case for Monarchy

by Natasha Vargas-Cooper

Richard Rushfield, the preeminent ‘American Idol’ scholar of our time, and author of the forthcoming Hyperion book ‘American Idol: The Last Empire,’ has long maintained that the television singing competition show is being destroyed by young girls. Natasha Vargas-Cooper, the preeminent scholar of tween girls of our time, and author of the forthcoming ‘Mad Men Unbuttoned,’ has had enough. For better or for worse, we’ve asked them to take their ongoing argument on the matter public.

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: I knew that the results this week would be controversial because American Idol’s final six competitors are what remains when the fat is cut. And the time has come to discuss this matter like adults.

Richard Rushfield: Yes, we have to deal with the fact that a cabal of juvenile terrorists who no longer are held back by shame or any principles controls this nation.

Natasha: Oh, Richard!

Richard: It’s the second year in a row that only one girl is in the top five. [Spoilers follow!]

Natasha: What did tonight say to you about American Idol?

Richard: It says to me that we are fooled into thinking we have any rights in this nation. In fact, we are giving the illusion of democracy and a ballot box. But governance is really only open to those who are created differently….

Natasha: Will you give me the description of the oppressors?

Richard: Those who have the ability to text 800 times in an hour. Which is to say, 11–14 year old girls who come to the table with one agenda and will do whatever it takes to bring it about.

Natasha: Find boyfriends?

Richard: To prop up cute boys on their television competitions.

Natasha: Hasn’t it always been this way with idol though? Why did people like Kelly Clarkson or Jordin Sparks win?

Richard: No. The big change, I think, and I have only circumstantial proof for this as the numbers are not made public about the vote totals…

Natasha: (Lack of transparency = first sign of oppression!)

Richard: But since text messaging has become ubiquitous, in the past 4- 5 years, the road for girls has gotten increasingly hard.

Natasha: Girls on the show?

Richard: Yes, of course, what other girls matter?

Natasha: Richard!

Richard: But you know, girls on Idol are a metaphor for the rights of girls in general, in society and government and stuff.

Natasha: Ok, so who felt the blade of the tweens pre-teen justice tonight? Tell us about Ms. Magnus?

Richard: So Siobhan Magnus was one of the most unique, talented young women to come across the idol stage in a while: a goth who loved Hanson, a glass blower from Cape Cod, with an Edward Gorey tattoo on her arm, she seemed the promise for non-cookie cutter women on this show.

Richard: But since the rise of the tweens, circa season six, the only women that get anywhere are in the Jordin Sparks mode.

Natasha: Jordin Sparks being the portly, pan-ethnic, 17-year-old.

Richard: Yes, the perpetually smiling, non-threatening best friend who would never ever talk to a guy you like. And in the past couple years, even they haven’t been allowed through.

Natasha: Why was she cast out on her Shania Twain week?

Richard: It’s odd that Siobhan would have been cast out this week, as first of all, she did well last night-by the judges review. And she was in the final slot, aka the pimp slot, which generally guarantees you sail through, as it’s the last thing voters see before they go to the polls.

Natasha: Yes, she is, in the Mamet sense, A CLOSER.

Richard: Well I think basically it was the tweens sending a message, saying: no one is safe.

Richard: They stayed with her for the fast few weeks while she was struggling, they felt bad for her (non-threatened) but once she had a good week, they said, nuh-uh, you’re gone, lady.

Natasha: Who is the ideal tween star from the idol ranks?

Richard: Well, David Archuleta is the classic.

Natasha: I always felt that watching Archuleta was the equivalent to watching a butterfly landing on the face of baby with Down Syndrome. So gentle, so sweet, unbearably so.

Richard: That’s a… beautiful metaphor.

Natasha: I’m at work on a haiku.

Richard: But what was interesting that year was in the end, a good portion of the tweens split away. David Cook took a bite of the tween demo. David Cook unleashed something powerful and deep in the tween soul.

Natasha: Did he tap into the Twilight side of the Tweens?

Richard: I stood in the moshpit one night when he performed, just to experience. Adventure journalism. I was lucky to escape with my life

Natasha: The stormy, angst, bad boy that you want to make out with kind of thing?

Richard: Definitely. Something from their primeval, pre-verbal history.

Richard: That is the thing people don’t understand about the tweens. They don’t just want shiny and clean. They want that in girls, but in boys, they want some roughness too. Just a tiny bit. Like, one day stubble.

Natasha: Right, but no motorcycle, just a black Acura.

Natasha: Richard. Can I give you my defense of tweens? And why Siobhan Magnus needed to be sacrificed tonight?

Richard: Oh boy. Let’s hear it.

Natasha: Tweens have been the engine of pop culture since, well, since the days of yore! Beatlemania! Presley! I’m pretty sure toothy Brits in training bras had Oasis posters up!

Natasha: Magnus was, though an exotic flower from Cape Cod! She seemed woefully out of touch! GIRLS CAN SENSE IT!

Richard: She was a glass blower! Have they no pity?

Natasha: That’s like saying ‘she was a mime!’ This is not the Left Bank of Paris! THIS IS THE IDOLDOME!!

Richard: The only way a girl can survive on Cape Cod is by blowing glass! Since the mines shut down….

Natasha: Mimes don’t buy records! Tween girls do! And their love is pure!

Richard: I dispute that point. Tween girls are fonts of resentment and fascist control impulses.

Natasha: They are reacting to their primal instincts to find suitable boyfriends! Look, there is no doubt that tween girls are conservative. NO DOUBT.

Richard: Yes, and they need to be locked up until they get a handle on that. Until then, they have no place in civil discourse. Let alone RUNNING SOCIETY!

Natasha: But is pop culture not made for them!? You cannot show up at theme park with roller coasters and demand a dramatic reading of Brecht!

Natasha: Ergo, you cannot expect American Idol to be controlled by anything but pre-menstrual globs of desire and lavender dreams (ie, tweens).

Richard: I can indeed. I’m willing that they should have a vote in pop culture and I’m glad there are channels made for them. But let’s look at the history here….

Richard: Idol once gave them a seat at the table. Which was good, they should be heard, so we thought. But once there, they didn’t want just a seat. They wanted the whole table and all the chairs and every poster on the walls.

Richard: There was a time when we were a rational democracy. When we elected giants like Clarkson and Barrino as our leaders, girls, nay, women even, were allowed to have a voice but that day is gone.

Natasha: Why was Clarkson victorious? I didn’t find her to have any edge at all when she was competing. Is it because people sent in their votes on PARCHMENT? Written with their QUILLS?

Richard: Perhaps they did. Clarkson was the platonic candidate, its unfair to even talk of her. She was everything to everyone, successfully.

Natasha: True.

Natasha: Then how do you account for the unlikely success of the Hippie Bowersox in this season? Account for it!

Richard: The Bowersox has the girls convinced that she is just a fun wacky free spirit that you could totally take off your shoes and just sit on the floor singing songs and coloring with her.

Natasha: It’s true that she is also non-threatening.

Richard: And since she’s a mother, she wouldn’t go after the guy you like.

Richard: But all the same, they will turn on her before this is done.

Richard: Their lust for blood is insatiable.

Natasha: It’s true that she is an unlikely winner.

Natasha: Do you think it will come down to Lee DeWyze? THE DREAMY BLUE-EYED BOY WHO USED TO SELL PAINT AND NOW MOSTLY TRAFFICS IN MY LOVE FOR HIM?!

Richard: What can be said about Lee?

Natasha: Why are you not convinced by his smokey vocals and ‘aw shucks’ demeanor? He brought a bagpipe on stage. How is that not edgy enough for you?

Richard: I’m not unconvinced by him. He’s had some good nights.

Richard: But when you look back at the nights, David Cook had sensational, show stopping moments, where he redefined a song. Kris Allen had some fantastic nights too…. but no one shocks us this season.

Natasha: Do not defend Kris Allen to me.

Natasha: Kris Allen is not to be trusted.

Richard: Kris Allen is a wonderful young man and a fine champion. You are lucky to have him.

Natasha: Richard! You have been seduced by these people! I am for the Hobbesian element.

Natasha: NO ONE CAN BE SHOWN MERCY IN THE NAME OF PERSONALITY!

Richard: Watch these videos..

Richard: And tell me you’re not seduced. (Both shot by me, BTW.)

Natasha: NO! I CARE NOT FOR WHAT HAPPENS OFF THE IDOL STAGE! Respect the medium. I love the purity of form.

Richard: I love Kris and nothing will take that from me.

Natasha: So. Who SHOULD be making these decisions if not the lusty mamas and their pre-teen offspring?

Richard: Okay, here is what I propose.

Richard: First of all. Institute a voting age.

Richard: Say 16 years old.

Richard: Second.

Richard: There should be a secret panel of experts who are allowed to secretly guide this and who are given say 10 million votes to throw around.

Natasha: You are the fascist!

Richard: I’m a monarchist. The tweens are fascist; wrapping their dictatorship in populist trappings.

Natasha: You cannot pick and choose your democracy!

Richard: I’m not saying the panel must choose me for the secret experts panel, but if called upon, of course I would be willing to serve.

Natasha: But Richard! You were born in like, the Victorian era!! You had Bowie or some shit. THIS IS THE TWEENS TIME! It’s like the Goonies!

Richard: When a system has failed to secure its citizens’ basic needs, it’s time for responsible people to take matters into their own hands.

Richard: When you go into a grocery store and knock over all the bottles, someone gets a bill…

Natasha: Four legs good, two legs bad.

Richard: You know, democracy served its purpose.

Richard: But monarchy has traditionally been the best guarantor of happiness for the greatest number. And also is by far the best form of government just from a costume/style perspective.

Natasha: Leviathan!

Richard: We all saw with our own eyes Thomas Hobbes’ worst nightmares of an electorate turned into a bloodthristy mob come true. These people are monsters.

Natasha: Richard, who is more anti-female? You or I?

Richard: You.

Richard: I’m supporting women’s rights on this show

Richard: I’m sorry that it’s girls who are standing in their way. You claim to be a feminist but you’re standing by and allowing your sisters to die.

Natasha: I speak for the tweens! No one defends them. I am their public defender. The tweens have no taste. They only have emotion. They can smell a phony. They cannot be hoodwinked by sweet promises of edginess or indie rock. They are the most naked, crass, commercial, demographic. They are the marrow of pop culture!

Richard: They may have served a purpose but American Idol power was never put DIRECTLY in their hands and that has driven them mad with power.

Richard: They have lost their moral compass. And these screamings, the shriekings. We just need to say to them, “Get a hold of yourselves! where is your dignity?”

Natasha: THAT’S WHAT SO MARVELOUS ABOUT TWEENDOM! There is no dignity! It’s all feeeeeelings! Like Crying Girl. The tween epitome.

Richard: Crying Girl and I are having a heated debate right now. She actually is not representing her flock.

Richard: Feelings have no place in the public square. They should take them to their rooms.

Natasha: Did you ground Crying Girl?

Richard: Ashley Ferl the Crying Girl was torn between Bowersox and Siobhan. She has walked away from her people. However, I begged her to throw her support and endorsement entirely behind Siobhan and she refused to narrow it down.

Natasha: How old is she now?

Richard: She is 16. She drives a car. And she’s more the screaming girl these days.

Natasha: You see, she has outgrown her role as the leader of the tweens. Just like Miley…

Richard: She has… but she will always exert great influence. If only she’d use it!

Natasha: She will vote for Lee Dewyze. I believe Lee is the best. You know I have felt this way. I feel safe when I dream about him.

Richard: He will win.

Natasha: Can I count on you to support him?

Richard: I’m predicting not endorsing.

Natasha: YOU MUST CHOOSE!

Richard: I am on the sidelines now.

Natasha: MAGNUS IS GONE! YOU MUST ACCEPT AND JOIN IN THE FUTURE.

Richard: Why should I pretend I have a voice in this contest?

Richard: Why should I pretend that I can be heard in a culture ruled by fear?

Natasha: We have no time for petty complaints.

Natasha: We are building our uber-boymensch.

Richard: You see! The velvet glove comes off and the iron fist is revealed!

Natasha: Salute yourself in Generalissimo Dewyze!

Richard: To quote Auden, “All I have is a voice, to undo the folded lie.”