British Swan Thinks He's British People

To Knifecrime Island, where even the waterfowl are surly and aggressive: “Rowers in Cambridge have called for the Queen to remove an aggressive swan nicknamed ‘Mr Asbo’ which they claim attacks people using the river.” (You will recall than an Asbo, or Anti-Social Behaviour Order, is a designation issued to persons perpetrating anti-social behaviors to prevent them from engaging in those behaviors, such as the loud-sex-having woman.) Unfortunately, according to Her Majesty’s Warden of the Swans, Mr Asbo can only be removed if the Queen claims the bird, a procedure which requires the permission of Her Majesty’s Swan Marker, which is a different job entirely from Swan Warden. Should such permission be granted, the swan will either be moved elsewhere or made less dangerous by “clipping the feathers on one wing to discourage aggressive behaviour by throwing it off balance when it attacks.” Ten bucks says they do it with a knife.