A Field Guide to the Acronymical Kingdom, Part Three

by Willa Paskin

The Lol thrives in damp, dark places. Indigenous to the rain forests of Washington state, it has proved remarkably adaptable and now thrives in sewers, drain pipes, irrigation canals, port-a-potties and indoor plumbing across the North American continent. (Small populations of Lol’s have even been spotted in camping grounds in the Mojave desert.)

To catch its prey, the Lol, a relative of both the slug and the boa constrictor, sits perfectly still. Rats, squirrels, mice, water bugs, raccoons, moles, foxes, opossums, the occasional alligator and other similarly sized vermin, attracted by the Lol’s bright colors and odor-redolent of rotting flesh, for reasons that will soon become
clear-approach the Lol and begin to climb on it, in search of the source of the smell. It is then that the Lol strikes. Using its two flexible, muscular tails to hold its meal still, it contracts its large loop of flesh to strangle the unlucky animal. The Lol then smashes the dead creature past a set of teeth, into the same hole where it folds in on itself. Inside of that hole is the Lol’s digestive pouch, where food is processed slowly, and malodorously, with the help of various enzymes, parasites, and the rubbing, mortar and pestle motion that is a natural side effect of Lol motility.

Previously: The Wtf

Willa Paskin is features editor at Blackbook and a contributing writer at Double X. This is the beginning of her new life as a cartoonist.