Just The Steve Bannon Parts

If you are a devoted and loyal reader of my Awl, you will be familiar with Luke Mazur’s mostly weekly series of Jared Kusher “foe fic,” now helpfully organized under one roof, the slug “All in the Family.” For the past few days, but also weeks and months that feel like years, followers of the news media have been subjected to many high-resolution images of Stephen K. Bannon’s dermatologic cornucopia of a face, many of which have been photoshopped and altered with higher contrast or greater sharpness. This morning, Damon Young at The Root wonders if Bannon has “greyscale,” which I was expecting to mean the philosophical ability to see anything that isn’t black or white but is in fact a skin ailment from the television series about medieval sex elves and their pet dragons. This reminded me that one of the best things about Luke’s series is the flickers of the imagined Bannon persona we get in each “episode”—perhaps you can pair them with your favorite Bannon portrait, photoshopped or not. Here are a few of my favorites:

From “Jared Kushner Flips Out,” April 7, 2017:

[STEVE BANNON barges into the room. He is wearing a Confederate soldier’s uniform he has stolen from the Smithsonian. The buttons won’t fasten and it’s covered in vomit and diarrhea, so it’s more like a small dirty cape than a military uniform. STEVE BANNON explains to REBEKAH MERCER that he is not reenacting the War Between the States. It’s red states versus blue states now, he bellows. She rises and asks how she can help.]

From “Jared and Ivanka Host Dinner,” May 19, 2017

There’s a loud rolling sound coming from upstairs. IVANKA knows that it is STEVE BANNON, awake from his nap and bowling with cannon balls he has pilfered from the Coast Guard…

STEVE BANNON enters. There are still marks on his bloated face from the mask his doctor prescribed him for his sleep apnea. He is eating Twizzlers and yelling at his dog to heel.

From “Jared Kushner Breaks The Ice,” June 16, 2017:

There’s a loud screech outside. It’s STEVE BANNON on a crotch rocket. He storms into the White House dressed like a Vietnam vet who would’ve voted for Nixon because he believed he would end the war but got in a bar brawl with some Black Panthers and was hospitalized instead.

STEVE BANNON [alcohol on his breath]: Who had Athlete’s foot and who the fuck showered in the bathroom off the Oval Office?

From “Jared and Ivanka Plan A Summer Trip,” June 23, 2017:

STEVE BANNON [making an obscene gesture popularized by pro wrestlers]: Justice Thomas is here. We’re taking a road trip across the fatherland, converting his RV into an opioid clinic, and saving this country ourselves.

From “Jared Kushner Hits The Campaign Trail,” July 21, 2017:

Not about to start listening to what a Trump says, STEVE BANNON peels the lid off of a small can of food. He takes a deep whiff, pulls a plastic knife from his cargo shorts pocket, and digs out the meat.

STEVE BANNON [lying]: It’s paté. Try some.

From “Jared Kushner Plays The Lottery,” July 28, 2017:

[STEVE BANNON enters with a bag of groceries, plugs in a toaster oven, and makes a pizza bagel. There are sparks because STEVE BANNON never fully picks his feet up when he walks and the scuffing generates enough friction to generate an electric current. JARED has nowhere to focus his eyes so he accidentally makes eye contact with him.]

STEVE BANNON [wiping pus from his eye]: Hey, Wimpy.

From “Jared Kushner Screams About A Bat,” August 11, 2017:

Then there’s noise from the dark room down the hall. It’s an animatronic bass singing “Take Me to the River.” But it’s also STEVE BANNON. He’s laughing heartily. Not since PRESIDENT NIXON last lived there, forty-five years ago, has someone sat alone in the White House, laughing in the dark, as often as STEVE BANNON does. He’s also nursing by hand a baby bat. When it’s strong he will release it into the fray to join its mother.

Catch up on the whole series here.

Image: Michael Vadon via Flickr