Knifed Skull Found In English Garbage Belongs To Hunchbacked King

The murdered remains of another scrawny Englishman found in the rubble of a “car park” is actually the long-dead hunchback king, Richard III. This is why the United Kingdom continues to cling to its quaint system of royalty, so that a wayward stabbed king can occasionally be found in the sodden ground beneath a parking lot, to give people hope.

A skeleton found beneath a Leicester car park has been confirmed as that of English king Richard III. Experts from the University of Leicester said DNA from the bones matched that of descendants of the monarch’s family …. Richard, killed in battle in 1485, will be reinterred in Leicester Cathedral.

Let this be a solemn reminder for today’s kings and queens: Richard III was repeatedly stabbed through the skull like a common drunken brawler outside a curry shop at 10:03 p.m., and he was buried “with his wrists still tied,” and his gravesite was forgotten when the accompanying church and Greyfriars monastery was destroyed on orders of Henry VIII, and the remains were only found and identified more than a half millennium later. Not even the current Prince of Wales has suffered quite the personal shame and indignity of the hunchbacked king with the “feminine” build:

One terrible injury, a stab through the right buttock and into his pelvis, was certainly after death, and could not have happened when his lower body was protected by armour. It suggests the story that his naked corpse was brought back slung over the pommel of a horse, mocked and abused all the way, was true.

Richard III, the frail monster and bastard king, was best known in life for the horrible way in which he died: repeatedly slashed and stabbed by a small group of Frenchmen hastily assembled by Henry Tudor.