Welp, Gay People, The Party's Over

Researchers figured out you’re all possessed by ghosts

The LGBTQ community has long luxuriated at the top of society’s dignity pyramid, raking in our systemic respect, employment opportunities, and general decency for as long as we’ve been recording history. But the jig is up thanks to a group called the Spiritual Science Research Foundation, who have deduced that as much as 85% of gay people are actually possessed by ghosts.

According to their report “Symptoms of Ghost Affecting or Possessing a Person,” about 30% of the world’s population is possessed by ghosts at any given time. In the queer community, though, those numbers take a huge leap:

So most gay people aren’t gay, they’re just acting out the desires of a ghost of a different gender identity or orientation. Simple! “The main reason behind the gay orientation of some men is that they are possessed by female ghosts,” they say. “It is the female ghost in them that is attracted to other men.” The same is true for lesbians, who are possessed by male ghosts.

How do you know if a ghost has possessed you? Only a saint within the spiritual science community can tell you. “Whether a person is affected or possessed or not, can in actuality only be understood by Saints above the 70% spiritual level or by persons with an advanced sixth sense,” they report. “As most people lack both in spiritual level and advanced sixth sense, the majority of affected or possessed people are unaware of their affected state.”

Just remember: It’s not your fault you don’t know you’re haunted by a ghost, it’s just that you’re not as spiritually gifted as them.

Symptoms of possession include everything from physical ailments like bad breath and reproductive trouble, to behavior like marching in pride parades. The team has deemed the latter “undesirable from a spiritual point of view” because marching encourages “ego… exhibitionism and narcissism,” which makes sense when you remember the queers are the one group that has historically overpowered all of the others and forced them to serve their particular needs, desires, and whims. Only a ghost would be capable of a gesture so redundant.

The organization recommends chanting and prayer to “overcome homosexual tendencies and desires,” but have yet to share a pie chart on its success rate.

If we poke around the rest of the site, though, it turns out ghosts are actually up to a lot in these modern times. Global warming? Ghosts are making us do it. Black Friday? Ghosts love it. It’s almost as if, when we do not want to accept accountability for our own actions, it is convenient to blame something outside of ourselves to create a diversion. That way we appear very inconspicuous and no one can tell what our motives are.

Anyway, this is just some “science” “research” I came across this morning that I wanted to pass on to you, my friends on the ‘net. Please schedule an appointment with your nearest saint accordingly.