Seasonal Disorders

I don’t know about you and where you are, but I hope it is nice out and you are not dealing with Catastrophic Weather or anything, like a flood or a hurricane, or a fire, which maybe isn’t technically Weather, but if there was more rain-weather, there’d be less fires on the Five-Day Forecast, right? In Baltimore, where I am, it remains hot and humid, so I am still enjoying Summer. I’m not even thinking about Fall yet, because that’s Sept. 21, OK? Right now it’s Summer, still.

But things keep getting mixed up. Like right now, it’s getting toward the end of the Baseball Season, which equals Summer, but then also this week is the beginning of Football Season, which equals Fall. The pigskin Knute Rockne/OJ Simpson kind of Football, not the David Beckham “footie” the World’s Game kind.

Under my administration, this would not happen so glaringly, this overlapping of the seasons. There would be order. Baseball would end in October with the “post season” World Series, and that month, October (or Rocktober, if you insist) would be the appropriate month for pigskin-Football to begin, because the Season of Fall would be in Full Effect. None of this full-on Baseball Season and Football Season at the same time crap, it’s too much! Too much, America. This is a Land of Laws. As far as soccer-football, I think that’s just always In Season, as near as I can tell, plus it’s International, so it’s out of my jurisdiction.

It’s not like I have a mental thing and there’s a problem with my food touching on my dinner plate or whatever, I enjoy casseroles and crazy mix ’em ups, I just think people are messing with the Laws of Nature because they always want everything always all the time On Demand. More Football, More Baseball, the Available For A Limited Time Only McRib sandwich not just for a Limited Time only; it’s like that song “Life in the Fast Lane,” by The Eagles, where the guy goes “everything all the time,” but in a bad way, with drugs and buying things, that’s what I think that means, that song, that’s my Interpretation of those lyrics. People need to pace themselves, you know?

A lotta people Hate The Eagles, and some of them have musical reasons, I guess, or maybe it’s because they kinda sound like Country Music, and a lot of people don’t like that, but I also think a lot of people saw that movie The Big Lebowski and they saw how Jeff Bridges, as Lebowski (I won’t say which Lebowski he was because of: Spoiler Alert), did not like The Eagles, and so it’s really cool to Hate the Eagles and be like “I can’t deal with hearing The Eagles, please turn that off, The Eagles, must you, aughhh, please, I cannot bear this terrible so-called music.” Personally, I enjoy many of The Eagles’ recordings, such as, well, the song “Life in the Fast Lane,” which I always figured was written because somebody on the Eagles may have had a Bad Experience with drugs and people, but it doesn’t just have to only be about the drugs, see? “Life in the Fast Lane” could easily also be about wanting to have fresh fruit all the time no matter what season the fruit should occur, Seasonally, according to where you live, you know? I mean, isn’t there some sorta Carbon Debit deal going on with all these grapes coming from Chile and stuff in the middle of February? Can’t we just accept fruit having Seasons like Football and Baseball are supposed to? Would it kill you to not have fresh grapes in February?

I also like that song by the Eagles where the guy goes “you’ll have to eat your lunch all by yourself, whoo-hoo-hoo-ooo,” etc., that’s a good song to sing along to because of the “whoo-hoo-hoo-oos.” You should loosen up a little and try it, Eagles-Hater.

Also-also, I think there’s a whole sub-section of hating on Don Henley, who is one of The Eagles, and this hate is because, well, to be fair, he did a bunch of whiny-sounding songs and that guy Mojo Nixon did one about how “Don Henley Must Die,” and that was kinda popular, and musicians are Role Models, man, don’t let anybody fool you about that, people are totally Monkey-See-Monkey-Do, especially with Hatred, because it makes you part of a Group, which is comforting, like Religion.

Anyway, all I am saying is if I go into the grocery store, I don’t want to see pumpkins and watermelons at the same time, OK? Because Watermelons equal Summer, and Pumpkins equal Fall, and if there’s pumpkins and watermelons both at the same time why even bother to have a calendar or days of the week or anything? It’s enough giant round fruits and/or vegetables already, with whatever a pumpkin is: a gourd, I guess? A squash? I mean, Why don’t we just have Christmas (or whatever winter holiday you like) all the time, wherever we want, or your birthday? No offense if your birthday falls on Christmas. Again, under my Administration, anybody who has a Christmas birthday automatically gets an optional Birthday any other day of the year; it’s not their fault Jesus hogged all the Birthday that day. And if you happen to believe that, which you are totally allowed to, in the United States of America, and that goes for all the crap Mitt Romney believes, and, I mean, it’s Free Speech and all, but you shouldn’t say Bad Stuff about him because of his Holy Book, you should say stuff about him in terms of how his non-religioso actions and words make him a bad Person, or at least somebody who totally shouldn’t be President of The United States of America, and I have to “disclosure” myself on that statement because I have a lot of money on Obama for POTUS, so I am biased against Romney and that goofball he’s got for Vice President and the stupid-ass novel-book he thinks is good.

Another song I really like is “Peaches” by The Presidents of The United States of America, where they teach us peaches come from a can, which I think is a good example of how you should enjoy fruit In Season, and be Content with the Preserved variety of that fruit when it is not In Season, such as in a Baked Good or your favorite “hot fruit” recipe. That is my interpretation of that song, and I could base a whole valid Religion on that song, and you can’t stop me because this is a Free Country of Religion, although I do think Religion should pay some sorta tax, just a little bit, on some of those cool buildings they own.

So look, this Everything in Season is like, Fall of The Roman Empire stuff, you know? Don’t be selfish and impatient. Nobody likes to wait for things, but there should be Seasons for stuff, especially things like pumpkins and watermelons, because you go from wanting everything all the time to wanting Everything, get it? Nobody should have everything all the time, not even the Rich People.

Previously: A Climate Of Change

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