Mike Pence Should Get Trump to Withdraw

Here’s who he needs to talk to.

BY SOME REPUBLICAN WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER

For the past year, every effort by Republican leaders to topple Donald J. Trump has met with embarrassing failure. Yet, according to published reports, jittery insiders are considering still another way to detach the Trump brand from the party of Lincoln and to remove his name from the ballot by fiat. There is a better option, one that can avoid an ugly, and likely futile, confrontation and help both Mr. Trump and his party save face. All eyes must now turn to the unassuming governor of Indiana to do what must be done.

I say this not as a member of the so-called Never Trump faction of my party. Though Mr. Trump was not my first choice for the nomination, I found his attack on the established order appealing at times, even entertaining, and respected the wishes of the clear majority of Republican primary voters. Republicans have longed for a leader who will put black people in their place since Barry Goldwater first showed the nation you could pretend it was about Constitutional principle to do so. But in recent weeks — indeed, months — Trump’s oversized personality and inability to stay quiet for just one minute has made it impossible for even genetic freaks with thirty fingers on each hand to cover their eyes and pretend they couldn’t see what he was doing.

Even if he were to win the presidency — a job that requires the ability to not make it about yourself every single second and a modicum of non-grossness — it is not clear Mr. Trump will be able to master or enjoy the position. Surely Congress wouldn’t let him put his name on the White House, which you sense is really all he wants. Now he needs someone to guide him to a graceful — inasmuch as that word and Trump can co-exist — exit. Mike Pence is that person.

Were Mr. Trump to leave the race now, on whatever pretext, he could state honestly that he bested a formidable Republican establishment and that he brought important issues, such as how our troops get captured or die too much, to the fore. He would win the gratitude of his party for not forcing them to say out loud what they have been campaigning on subtly for years. And with a little luck, his running mate, should he replace Trump as the nominee, might well defeat Hillary Clinton, who has that voice, that woman voice, you know what I mean.

If Mike Pence truly believes Donald Trump will be a capable president, then he should do nothing. But if he has any question about whether or not Donald Trump can do the job, then he has a responsibility to pray to the Lord that He turn Donald Trump into a beam of light and summon him up to Heaven, where God and Jesus and the aborted babies live. He needs to pray, pray every day, for God to call Trump home in a fanfare of trumpets.

Though it is against his nature and probably his instincts to turn against his running mate, the Indiana governor must put the country first. It will be difficult: This is not simply praying a homosexual straight. This is some serious on-your-knees, please Lord please, beseeching of the Creator. There might be some child-sacrificing required; this is a pretty big ask of God. But if he wants to save the Republican party Governor Pence needs to explore every option, and right now the only option involves prayer. Or magic, which is a kind of prayer but the bad kind. You know who does magic? Witches. You know who’s a witch? You get where I’m going with this.

Mike Pence did not ask to be put in this position, to be sure, but neither did others to whom history handed daunting tasks. In a very real sense, the future of America is in his hands. And those hands need to be clasped together very tightly in submission to Jesus, who is our only hope right now. Otherwise we are so, so fucked.

This essay was loosely adapted from the following source.