Something Something Earthquake

Here is what we know now about the magnitude 5.8 earthquake that shook the foundations of New York City (and, I guess, some other places): Although I was forced to walk down (and then back up) four flights of stairs during the evacuation, I am for the most part fine. My ice coffee is a little warm now, but other than that — and the unwanted exercise — I want America to rest assured that I, national treasure Alex Balk, survived unscathed. As you were.