The Hurricane's Terrible Insult to the History of Metal

Won’t you extend your lighters as we send out this classic power ballad to reality star, Broadway diva, hair metal frontman and “Gilmore Girls” player Sebastian Bach? For him, it’s bad times, for a change. Real bad times: “Original Skid Row & KISS fans, I have bad news for you. Gone are irreplaceable items, such as my KISS Gargoyles from the 1979 tour. KISS pinball machine. Skid Row master tapes, video & audio, concerts, master tapes from Oh Say Can You Scream etc. Boxes & boxes of one of a kind Skid Row memorabilia, from the first tour to our last, all stuff I collected on the road that no one else had. I had a library in the basement with every single magazine that had Skid Row on the cover. This library took up a big part of the basement. All of this is lost now. We will salvage what we can of course. But how I wish there was a reason to do a box set or something before Hurricane Irene hit. Nobody cared. Now it’s too late. Don’t know what you got till it’s gone, indeed. I have been holding on to my house since December, when my divorce papers were filed. I just could not let go of the only home I had ever known. Well, God has other plans for me it seems. He has made His decision for me. My home has been taken away by an ‘Act Of God.’”

Mr. Bach is now moving to Los Angeles, because he is living a Nathanael West novel in reverse. Our condolences to him and to the archivists of hair metal.