31 Things We Won't Miss Missing Out On

by The Awl

We guess this is it. Goodbye forever! Here’s some of what we’re glad to be skipping.

• The 2012 presidential election

• Titanic 3D

• Having to stand outside a park to finish a cigarette

• Unavoidable and mostly identical essays on the meaning of Bob Dylan on the occasion of his 70th birthday

• Unavoidable and mostly identical essays on the meaning of Bob Dylan on the occasion of his demise (I mean, stay healthy, Bob, but it’s gonna happen some day)

• The rap-rock revival

• Whatever Sarah Palin does next

• Incredibly detailed analysis of Ashton Kutcher’s demographic appeal on “Two and a Half Men”

• Mayor Weiner

• Next week

• Joel McHale’s metamorphosis into one giant muscle

• The end of the right to organize

• Bridesmaids knock-offs

• The last print publication: Daily Beast Newsweek n+1 Cat Fancy

• Rich people living forever

• Color’s IPO

• Meat grown in a lab

• Senator Jack McCain

• Senator Patrick Shriver

• Senator Dakota Fanning

• Hurley dying on his new show that is not “Lost”

• The inevitable xoJane “It Happened To Me” post about giving a handjob to Justin Bieber

• Prime Minister Justin Bieber

• The 20th anniversary celebration for the release of Totally Krossed Out

• The last polar bear

• Whatever new social networking system that I have to be on because everyone else is that replaces Facebook or Twitter

• “I’ll take a decaf, please, I don’t want to be up all night”

• The cancer or cancers that are almost certainly metastasizing within me as we speak

• Not being able to stand, while outside a park finishing a cigarette

• Seeing those I love and who love me age and pass away; the death of the last person who remembers me as a child; the continual reinforcement of the knowledge that life is essentially meaningless and that I have wasted so much time worrying about things that are unimportant rather than celebrating the things that bring joy; owning a suit that is worn exclusively for funerals

• Greying pubes

Photo by Garrette.