The Best Parts of the "Property Brothers" Music Video

(It is every part.)

Do you know the Property Brothers? They’re HGTV personalities whose schtick is that they’re twins and they’re tall. One Property Brother (you can look up his name) is more of a real estate guy, helping you buy your house for the best possible deal and making sure you’re getting great resale value. The other one (Google it) is more of a design guy, taking your new home and transforming it into a functional and stylish living space the whole family can enjoy. Moist? America sure is. The pair helms multiple shows for the network, and two of them are in their top four ratings-wise (Property Brothers raked in more than 2.2 million viewers in 2016, and Brother vs. Brother brought in over 2.6).

I’m not sure anyone anticipated them being on the air this long when they first launched in 2011—and it definitely seems like the boys are ready to explore some new projects. In an effort to stop making the same suburban West coast house over and over again, they recently did a miniseries in New Orleans restoring a historical building to code with Hoda as a guest judge, but they still had to be “themselves.” Brothers. Single identical twin brothers. Guys who roast each other because they’re bad at dating, or mis-measured the length of a beam and cut it too short—only now they’re 38 and designing their 45,000th man cave.

For all we know these guys have fulfilling personal lives, but they’re not allowed to share that with us. Their style of dress is not allowed to change. It can best be described as Vegas business-casual. They live together in a house they built and renovated together (on the air, as the Property Brothers) and it has a two-story spiral water slide that leads to their party pool, and you can access both from a balcony. They will be forty in two years, but have to continually scream, “I AM VERY FULFILLED BY A VERY SPECIFIC TYPE OF MASCULINITY I PROBABLY RELATED TO MORE WHEN I WAS 28 AND PITCHING A TV SHOW TO A NETWORK” all day for a living. That must be… complex to navigate.

Anyway, these two put out a music video this week and it’s a cover of Flo Rida’s “My House” featuring someone named Eric Paslay whom you are also free to Google. It is at once an extension of the pseudo-fratty, family-first lifestyle they’re always peddling and an odd, sweet peek into the things you can tell they wish they were able to do more of. For instance, “comedy” and “country music.”

Here are my favorite parts of the video:

• when the Property Brothers totally forgot the Architects Quarterly photoshoot
• when the Property Brothers transition from casual day to formal day looks
• when a bunch of squares show up at their door
• when one square is named Muffy Winthorpe
• when the Property Brothers are in the photo booth with their pals
• when the one in the gray? deep olive? teeshirt does “country voice”
• when both Property Brothers are very sexually tempted by hotties in bikinis
• when the Property Brothers don’t let their horniness stop them from having this meeting, though
• when we discover that Carrot Top is friends with the Property Brothers
• when everyone hides from the squares under the water in the pool
• when they are finally like “fuck it” and reveal their party boy nature to the squares
• when Muffy Winthorpe yells “Cannonball!” and does a cannonball

Capitalism is weird. Dream big, little sweeties.