How to Know if You're Going to See "Season of the Witch"

• Have you previously and intentionally seen at least three of the following films: Ghost Rider, Knowing, Inkheart, National Treasure: Book of Secrets or Centurion?

• Would you describe yourself as extremely bored and lonely?

• Are you wearing a shawl right now, and do you empathize overly with women in ancient times who were burned at the stake?

• Do you smoke marijuana more than twice a week on average?

• Have you had major dental surgery this morning?

If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, you are actually going to see this insane Nicolas Cage Crusades-era vehicle, the highlights of which seem to be that it includes “real castles” in its locations and also is not Country Strong

. But that still doesn’t mean that you’re going to like it.