Teenagers Quitting Facebook Because It's Full of Old People

Teenagers are idiots. They listen to 40-year-old music like Led Zeppelin or the New York Dolls, they dress like those old dudes from The Strokes, and they will never have jobs because of robots. But in one respect, today’s teenager is much like the previous century’s teenagers: They do not like socializing around their dumb parents and weird uncles and Tea Party Jesus-freak aunts. Because all of those creepy segments of adult society spend all their time on Facebook, the kids have finally figured out that Facebook is not at all cool.

Facebook management admits in new corporate filings that they’re losing the teen market to competitors that don’t suck so hard. And some local teens down at the mall say this is true:

Francesca Patterson, 17, says she doesn’t like Facebook anymore. “I go on it every day, but maybe for like five minutes every day,” says Patterson. “There’s a lot of pop-ups on Facebook and ads everywhere, and you see your parents’ status updates and older people’s things that just aren’t funny and you just don’t care about them.”

Experts say the next retro thing today’s teens will do is “urban terrorism” like the Symbionese Liberation Army. At least they won’t be getting diabetes looking at the Facebook all day.