Bump And Grind

I’ve had some terrible bosses in my lifetime. One of them stole money from me, while another called me “sport” whenever he showed up to work drunk, which was quite often. But where I differ from LeBron “King” James — other than in every physical manner one can name — is that, regardless of how inept I felt them to be, or how poorly they managed the dog grooming salon or potting soil factory where I toiled (literally), I never initiated physical contact with either of them. That is to say, I refrained from “bumping” them to show my displeasure with their… bossiness. Even at an early age, I kind of got the whole “I’m paying you, so I make the rules” line of reasoning.

James, who by now must consider himself an empty wine bottle adrift in the ocean, obviously feels differently on the subject. Quite differently indeed.

I’ve witnessed a lot of disagreements between players and coaches in my lifetime, which has been long and filled with basketball. (And potting soil.) I’ve had coaches badmouth players to me and had players called their coaches every name in the book. That’s only normal when the season begins wending its way through winter and the travel begins to take its toll. Not to mention, NBA players are usually trillionaires and the coaches are usually failed ex-players who seem to regard any appearance of slacking as contempt for the game.

By the time they reach the pro ranks, many players have already tasted the finer things in life and been told “no” a total of never times in their lives. So when they’ve had enough of being ordered around by a balding guy in a rumpled suit (sorry, every coach in history), they begin to dream about “going Sprewell”, which is to say, wringing a coach’s neck.

Now, in James’ defense, he did nothing of that sort. He just bumped the guy. Sure, the video got passed around more times than a joint in the Sacramento Kings Halloween party during the 2001–2002 season. (I totally made that up. Totally.)

And, of course, his complete lack of respect undoubtedly resonated with coach Eric Spoelstra’s boss, Pat Riley who, upon viewing it, probably put in an extra 30 minutes on his office elliptical machine. (Hey, pacing the sidelines takes a lot out of a 90-year-old.)

But, still, it was a momentary lapse in judgment; an out-of-character act by a relatively genial guy. At least that was the story I was going with until someone sent me this video, brought to you by the magic of YouTube:

So now I’m thinking: we either have a guy with a very poor sense of balance, or we have a petulant brat who wants the world to know that his team’s failures are not as a result of his play. Just poor coaching. Again. Obviously, I am hoping for the former but going with the latter. While both of them claimed the bump was “unintentional”, I’m thinking only one of them was telling the truth. My worst fears were confirmed with the release of this planted exclusive story, complete with unnamed “sources”.

Now, I’m not exactly Ben Bradlee, but really, ESPN.com? Need you run with a story, obviously orchestrated by an unhappy player who won’t even go on the record? Of course the team is frustrated by Spoelstra. Let’s see: they’re also frustrated by Dwyane Wade; frustrated by their crummy, apathetic fan base, who keep missing the opening tip; and they’re probably incredibly frustrated by getting pecked to death by the likes of Tracy McGrady, an anachronism from those easy-breezy, run and shoot offenses of earlier this decade.

So it’s beginning to look a lot like Spoelstra will be fired by Christmas. The team is showing no real signs of life. Even ex-coaches like Jeff Van Gundy, who earlier this year was saying this, has probably popped a hammy pulling this maneuver; and, if not for the magic of the Internet, would probably deny having made either statement. (And I actually like JVG, a coach whom New York Post columnist Peter “No, Not Ever Funny” Vecsey once famously called “a cobra disguised as a worm.”)

It’s almost, very nearly, a foregone conclusion that Spoelstra will get dumped by the time the ball drops on 2010. At least that’s what my sources tell me. And just who are my sources?

Look, don’t push me.

Tony Gervino is a New York City-based editor and writer obsessed with honing his bio to make him sound quirky. He can also be found here.

Photo by Mohamed Hussain, from Flickr.