When We Want Your Opinion On The Royal Baby We'll Beat It Out Of You, Just Like Mrs.

When We Want Your Opinion On The Royal Baby We’ll Beat It Out Of You, Just Like Mrs. Thatcher Would Have Wanted

Monarchical spawning excitement gripping the Internet reveals once again that royalty doesn’t export well to the United States. We think it’s cute. A baby! It’s just like Mariah Carey or Jenny McCarthy having a baby to us. It’s not: this is a baby born to a long line of beheaders and global pillagers. (So, really, not that different from some of our own celebrity babies.) In reality, this is a very nervous-making day for the Commonwealth, a day on which the cruel tricks of genetics and chance provide any manner of person to possibly be the vastly enriched head of a government (technically “state,” PEDANTS point out, but the Queen gets to say “my government” so we’ll allow it). While it could be a delightful ball of wonder, batting around balls of yarn with James Alexander Philip Theo Mountbatten-Windsor, of course also this baby could be an Idi Amin or a Richard III which could inherit the territories’ 13 vast tax havens along with everything else and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. (Besides, of course, what people have always done about such things. *draws finger across neck*)

In better news regarding the blessed occasion, the baby knocks Prince Harry down a rung in the line of succession, thereby likely keeping someone who thinks it’s a good idea to dress like a Nazi out of the big Iron Throne made of swords in the Palace.

Still, there are only four people we want to see on the BBC talking about the royal baby:

4. Vyvyan Basterd

3. William the Conqueror

2. Eve Libertine

1. Adele (just because she’s always so delightful when she gives speeches.)