If You Lose Your iPhone You Will Have A Baby

For the latest example of Americans’ growing inability manage their own lives without the help of a trendy technological device, let’s meet Doug Wilson of Arkansas.

During the day, he tends to carry the iPhone 4 in his hand. Putting it in his pocket would be too risky, he said, because he might miss a photo opportunity — like that crazy “rat tail” hairdo he saw at a fast-food spot recently. (“I was like, ‘I’ve GOT to take a picture of this!’”)
And at night, access to this on-all-the-time gizmo is arguably more important than ever. First, there’s the dog. Wilson uses his phone’s LED camera flash to guide his steps as he takes Lucy, a bichon frise, outside. “I live in Arkansas, so I don’t want to step on a snake or anything,” he said.
Then there’s his wife, Ashlee, whom he accidentally impregnated one evening after forgetting to look at an iPod app that explains the details of the rhythm method.
“That’s how we got pregnant,” he said, “because I lost my [iPod Touch].”

Yes, you read that right. Americans are so dependent on digital organizers that they can no longer even fuck properly without them. You see that guy on the street with no pants? He’s not homeless, he just accidentally deleted the iPhone app that tells him how to dress himself. The Machines won’t need to engage in some titanic struggle to take over the world, they will just “forget” to remind us to perform basic life tasks until we all expire like neglected goldfish. I hope there is no “Time To Feed Your Baby” app yet, because hoo boy.

Photo by andrec from Flickr.