Everything Is Terrible And The Olympics Haven't Even Started Yet

The only thing worse than the Olympics is people who tell you they love the Olympics.

You know how soccer is the favorite game of intellectuals who wouldn’t be caught dead praising a popular American professional sport but need to make you aware of just how deeply they are able to appreciate the beauty of European kickball? The Olympics is kind of a version of that except it’s for people who don’t like professional sports at all but do love pageantry and shiny prizes and terrible music and stories of adversity overcome, and who will tolerate watching the world’s most boring athletic events just so they can feel like they are part of the spectacle. The Olympics suck, and we all know this, and yet every four years (sorry, nobody bothers to pretend to enjoy the winter Olympics) we have to put up with the kind of horrible jingoistic bullshit we would rightfully laugh at in any other context. Anyway, we are less than a month away from this year’s edition. You may have forgotten what with the whole fucking world falling apart all around us at the moment, so I just wanted to remind you: There is something even more annoying than Pokemon and politics coming your way. If you cut the cord and delete all the apps on your phone right now you might be okay, but don’t count on it.