Giant Solar Flare Will Mess Up Your Access To Internet, Food

Today in WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

A GIANT explosion of energy from the Sun could paralyse Earth…, scientists warned yesterday. They fear a huge solar flare is due to erupt… causing blackouts and global chaos. The once-in-a-century disaster could see power grids crash, communication systems collapse, planes grounded, food supplies hit and the internet shut down. Everything from home freezers to car sat navs would be affected.

That, however, is the bad news. The good news is that scientists don’t expect this to happen until 2013, which means we can spend the next few years doing stupid but fun stuff like poisoning our bodies with drugs and alcohol, enjoying the Courtney Cox sitcom “Cougar Town” unironincally and electing Sarah Palin president secure in the knowledge that none of it is going to make a difference once the GIANT SOLAR FLARE comes to take us all home. I feel better already! (Do click through, there’s an exciting artist’s conception of what New York will look like “smothered in a blood-red aurora.”)