Photoshop The News
by Joe Tonelli
Look at this photo of Bob Barker and Drew Carey. They’re just two friends, sharing a vast body of knowledge about the MSRPs of household goods and a love of responsible pet ownership practices. But imagine for a second, if there was something…more.
You’re a crew member on “The Price Is Right” who’s bounced around the industry for a few years out of college, you’re doing okay, but it’s still early in your career, the bridges you’re going to burn aren’t very long.
“Hmm, what are those two shadows lurking behind the Plinko board?”
“OMIGOD IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS!?!?!!”
*snaps a few grainy iPhone photos*
It’s probably not what you think it is, but you’re going to offer those photos to that scuzzy paparazzo you met at SUR for a quick fifty bucks.
And then the next day the news is blaring in the National Inquirer: MAY-DECEMBER ROMANCE SPRINGS UP BETWEEN TVS HOTTEST DAYTIME GAMESHOW HOSTS
I could go on, however, I am not a fanfic writer — in fact, I am not even a non-fic writer. I possess a small blue checkmark (which I probably do not deserve), meaning people on Twitter are required to take me seriously. This got me thinking to myself, “Joe baby, you need to get yourself some scoops to let people know you’re the real deal!!” Show them you’re someone with exclusives and embargoes. Someone who wrote tktk once.
Then one day my coworker said to me, “Hey, imagine if the Property Brothers kissed?? They seem like they do that and I would very much like to see it.” And I says to her, “Oh, they have, and I have the exclusive footage to prove it.” And after just a few minutes, the story broke!!
EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE: PROPERTY BROTHERS KISSING FOR THE FIRST TIME pic.twitter.com/weZFMNNjtd
— Toenails (@joetoenails) February 25, 2016
From then on, I knew any story about male celebrities kissing could be mine, no matter how wild. After all, the best thing about being a journalist in 2016 is that you get to make up any story you want!!! So I give the people what they want, which is lies. But real lies! With real(ish) facts! Who cares if the facts were manufactured poorly in Photoshop?? Nobody! And less so me! Welcome to New York Channel Zero, home of taglines like “none of the news never.”
HOLY SHIT, THE WHITE HOUSE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO SEE THIS!! OBAMA AND TRUDEAU CAUGHT SMOOCHIN!!! pic.twitter.com/828JSIYrw4 — Toenails (@joetoenails) March 10, 2016
I’m a one-man media rag with a cracked version of Photoshop tweeting at a breakneck pace, I can’t be stopped! Plus, I’m the most transparent (0% opacity) news source out there! You can see my whole editorial process from “layer via cut” to “save for web and devices.”
WOW! EXCLUSIVE DELETED SCENE FROM BATMAN V SUPERMAN!!! A SUPERHERO SMOOCH!! pic.twitter.com/YYAy2hSJod — Toenails (@joetoenails) March 29, 2016
And do you know what else? Being bad at something is hilarious. I am bad at a lot of things, including Photoshop and investigative makeout journalism. But that hasn’t stopped me from pursuing both those things. In fact, it’s inspired me. My power is limited only by my own imagination and the photos I can find by searching “Michael Strahan kiss,” literally nothing else!! Not reality, that’s for dang sure! Look, not everyone should kiss everyone. But when it comes to two famous people, they should probably definitely just kiss.
OH MY GOD THIS IS WHY MICHAEL STRAHAN LEFT!!!!!11!! UNBELIEVABLE FOOTAGE!!!! pic.twitter.com/sYkronS9u5 — Toenails (@joetoenails) April 22, 2016
They’re (I assume) doing weird rich people stuff anyway, so is it too far out of the bag to imagine them kissing? The ideas are already rumbling grumbling around in people’s heads, just look at all the Finn/Poe stuff out there!! Or Cruz/Trump!!
EXCLUSIVE: TRUMP AND CHRISTIE KISSING FOR THE FIRST TIME. RUBIO STUNNED!!! pic.twitter.com/x1R3YAH4I1 — Toenails (@joetoenails) February 26, 2016
(Oh it is all out there, my friend). I just provide a shuttle service for the imagination with my extremely limited skill set. I can’t get us all the way there, but with a few copy and pastes, we’re halfway to smooch-ville.
It’s 2016, I can find pictures of almost any two famous guys together so I’m gonna keep doing the thing. And if I can’t, I can still make them kiss — trust me.
