Dreamcrasher, With Brady Hammock: I Spy Bill Cosby
by Brady Hammock
Every night millions of us interact with the rich and famous-in our dreams. But why should those celebrity encounters remain off the record? Star columnist Brady Hammock is here to bring you all the dirt about your favorite personalities and how they really act when they think they’re safe behind the scrim of your subconscious.
COZ FOR COMPLAINT?
Persistent Internet rumors notwithstanding, iconic entertainer and part-time culture grump Bill Cosby insists he is not dead. Maybe so. But why was Coz spotted in a recent dream skulking around rapping to a Tribe Called Quest jam in a Kansas City bar?
“He was semi-incognito in a ballcap and sunglasses,” reports our source, who reveals that the K.C. watering hole in the dream was called The Caddyshack. “He put a dollar into the juke box and played ‘Award Tour’ by A Tribe Called Quest, and started rapping along with it.”
What followed that early 1990s (somewhat profane!) classic on rappin’ Cosby’s playlist? The tipster can’t say for sure. “I woke up,” he explains. “But during my walk to work the next morning, I tried to do ‘Award Tour’ in a Cosby voice whenever I wasn’t in proximity to other pedestrians who might hear me.” Good idea. Now stop it.
YANKOVIC: HEARTBREAKER, DREAMTAKER
This may sound weird, but Al Yankovic turns out to be quite a pickup artist — not to mention a bit of a cad, according to a recent dream about the ’80s schlockmeister.
But how was the actual dream sex? Luckily our dreamer doesn’t recall! So read on!
“I was attending a Weird Al film festival, where they were showing Tapeheads,” this tipster relates — adding that the dimly remembered parodist confessed that he actually preferred that John Cusack/Tim Robbins vehicle to his own 1989 star turn in the lowbrow flop, UHF. Our source ended up “seated near Mr. Al,” soon they were chatting and engaging in a “ridiculous pantomime where I was trying to get past him … but somehow I ended up straddling his lap instead.”
So did they get their weird on? Well, the next thing our dreamer knows, it’s a few days later and “Mr. Al is telling me that the chemistry we seemed to have at the festival didn’t seem to translate to the bed, and he was sorry, but he didn’t want to see me anymore.” Oof — jilted by Weird Al! That sounds humiliating, but our source is philosophical.
“Since I didn’t seem to remember the sex part, I was OK with it,” she claims, “but still sad that I was not going to have a celebrity boyfriend.”
Celebrity boyfriend? Weren’t we just talking about Weird Al Yankovic? Wake up!
NOT SO KEEN ON DR. KEENER
Catherine Keener has snagged Oscar noms for her roles in Being John Malkovich and Capote — but a reliable source has dreamed that she’s also his dermatologist, and he was not impressed with her performance.
“She was digging around in my scalp and telling me in no uncertain terms how DISGUSTING it was,” complains our tipster. “She kept picking at the back of my head with a long fingernail. At one point she said to me, ‘you know there’s a hole back here, right?’”
How rude! Yet this dreamer seems to hold no grudge: “Basically she acted exactly like you would expect Catherine Keener to act. If she was a dermatologist. And you had psoriasis.”
WHAM, BAM!
A tipster with impeccable presidential-dream credentials (“I dream did-it with Clinton TWICE,” she notes; “once in a New York City subway station where he was holding a book club”) has just come forward with the shocking story of a 2008 dream concerning Barack Obama.
In her dream, our saucy source was swept up by the “big moment” when Obama won the North Carolina primary, and headed straight for the campaign’s state headquarters “to congratulate him.”
“The ‘headquarters’ was a double-wide in some kind of grassy marsh, through which I had to wade,” this dreamer continues. “He was there all alone, and he was sitting down with his legs extended like Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, only he was wearing more of a full-body cast, not just a leg cast.”
But that (somehow) didn’t stop the prez-to-be from engaging in a “really great” hug. “But then he held on for an unnecessarily long time,” the dreaming temptress reveals. Message: Yes We Can! “I remember thinking ‘uh-oh, he doesn’t know where to draw the line.’ We were both enjoying the squeeze, and I’m not saying I wanted to let go, but he should have kept it professional. Shocking, right?!”
Hm. Not with dream constituents like you around it isn’t!
Have you slumbered around with a star? What popular singer surprised you in your dream by becoming your high school algebra teacher? Brady Hammock wants to share your story with the world. Tattle your tale-or as much of it as you can remember-here. Confidentiality GUARANTEED! Pleasant dreams!