Why Doesn't Barack Obama Wear Shorts?

by Jordan Carr

Barack Obama just about never wears shorts. So far as I can tell, there were two instances at a beach in Hawaii, one time when he went golfing, and another when he was playing basketball, that he has been photographed wearing shorts. (And yes, “board shorts” are swimsuits and they don’t count.)

In December of 2008, a shorts-wearing Obama got some unwanted tabloid attention on what was actually a trip to say farewell to his recently deceased grandmother. (He got attention for this trip on blogs as well-according to the Free Republic boards, he killed her because she knew the truth about his fake birth certificate.) Since then, it’s been pretty much all slacks, jeans and track pants all the time, whether he was playing a game of basketball…

…just shooting around by himself…

…preparing to hoist adorable children…

…golfing by himself…

…playing football with a dog…

…throwing a baseball…

….or most recently, hiking through the hills of Maine.

Barack Obama tries to avoid wearing shorts, even when the situation would seem to be appropriate. Why is this the case, that President Obama should almost never wear shorts, even when the situation completely calls for it? A few theories:

He’s too manly.
“The time has come to set aside childish things.” -Barack Obama at his inaugural address.

Perhaps because he’s a grown man and the leader of the free world, President Obama tries to not be dress like a plump German schoolboy from a Brothers Grimm story, or worse like those goddamn Cubs fans.

9/11 The financial crisis changed everything and ushered in a new era where Americans demanded serious adults as their political leaders. As such, shorts were out.

He has something to hide.
Perhaps he has gangrene, or really bad eczema or some other condition that he wants to keep from the public. The most likely scenario is that he is hiding his type 2 diabetes from his wife, hater of fat kids everywhere. Also maybe the Muslim tattoos.

A break from the past.
George Bush wore shorts.

Reaching out to the global community.
You don’t really see a lot of world leaders, particularly in the Middle East, wearing shorts all the time. If we are going to build Iraq and Afghanistan into permanent allies, and perhaps improve relations with Iran, we need to be able to empathize with them and relate to their culture, and part of that is wearing long pants even when it’s hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Redeeming a gift.
Maybe some foreign diplomat gave him a box of sweatpants for his birthday (but not for Christmas!) and now he has to wear them every time he’s doing something vaguely athletic and being photographed. Getting gifts when you are president must be the worst-you have to pretend to like it, and most likely be photographed using it. No wonder he gives intentionally shitty gifts to our closest allies.