'Predators': Horror Chick on ‘Predators’ and the Death of Hope

‘Predators’: Horror Chick on ‘Predators’ and the Death of Hope

Those of us who were moviegoers in 1987 have a very soft spot in our heart for Predator, the magnificent dual-governor-to-be casted scifi-horror-monster flick. Today, two Predator fans take a look at the sequel, the imaginatively titled Predators. First up, horror connoisseur Melissa Lafsky.

There’s a danger inherent in getting too close to something you love. In the background lurks a brutal threat, where the joy can be vacuumed from the object of your affection, and the empty space filled with a boiling cynical goo. Think figure skating-get too involved in the sport, and the unfiltered awe of grace and human artistry can erode away, till you’re left with nothing but the thought that 14-year-old Svetlana Smirnovleninskaya’s misplaced toepick will mean an automatic .0001 point deduction, which will no doubt be ramped up to .001 by the Estonian judge with the pulsating chin mole and E-cup breasts.

For film reviewers, these cynical blips perch on the sidelines, waiting for a slit to open in the fabric of your movie enjoyment so they can slide in, banish the joy, and take over your inner dialogue. The second you’re sucked out of the Blissful Movie Universe by some bit of crappy writing or sloppy editing, it’s all over. The next 90 minutes will be lost to a series of raptorial thoughts that consume your mind, and leave you a crusty shell of a horror fan.

Like so:

“Ok, so ‘Predators.’ Here we go. Please Christ let this be even a fraction as good as the original. Hold on, wait, so your big opener is Wladyslaw Szpilman falling from the sky? Ah yes, since 5 minutes of parachuting is a perfect replacement for actual dialogue. Instant Oscar nod for Adrien Brody’s trainer. Shit. This is bad already. So, so bad. What’s the total run-time? Jesus, I’m in for another 106 minutes of this? If there are bedbugs in this theater, I’m suing for worker’s comp. Oh look, and apparently Topher Grace is now a permanent staple on the B-movie casting roster. Is shooting Danny Trejo in the back what passes for character development? This fecund crap can’t have been done by Robert Rodriguez, unless he’s started freebasing meth off Rose McGowan’s ass. Oh wait, it’s not Rodriguez, he just produced. ‘Directed by Nimród Antal,’ whoever the fuck that is. Check production notes: Past films include such gems as ‘Vacancy’ and ‘Armored.’ Aaand after this shitshow Rodriguez will never take another of his calls. Jesus, 30 full minutes before we even SEE a Predator? Can we perhaps pretend to have a plot that makes any semblance of sequential sense? And what production scout thought this Detroit cul-de-sac looked like a jungle? That intergalactic death-ray just emerged from a monocultural topiary. I wonder if this’ll even break $20 mil opening weekend. Might need more than 2,700 screens. Gun-point ticket sales, the latest Hollywood trend? Here witness the fall of Adrien Brody — from ‘Splice’ to this. His dramatic transformation from emasculated scientist to special-ops badass appears to consist of gaining 20 pounds of muscle and delivering every line through a mouthful of saliva. Oh TELL me some L.A. script doctor didn’t actually think ‘I’m gonna rape me some fine bitches’ would be the tagline replacement for ‘I ain’t got time to bleed.’ Please please tell me that, so I can sleep tonight without clawing my face over the fact that some asshole is paying for his Malibu home renovations with the studio check from this irredeemable clownshow. Oh look! The Danse Macabre of Laurence Fishburne’s career! From ashes to nonsensical creature films, dust to dust. People are laughing. And sighing audibly. The dude next to me is sexting some underage co-ed. Apparently she’s got a ‘tasty vag.’ How dare they do this to us. We who adored and fetishized the original! We who still bookend every conversation about Big Arnold with a mention of ‘GET TO DA CHOPPER!!!’ Come on, Nimród, can’t you even pretend to care?? Don’t you know that ‘Predator’ was more than just an ‘elevated B-movie’??? That it was a CREATURE FILM CLASSIC!? That you have a RESPONSIBILITY when ‘rebooting’ the whole franchise to not REDUCE it to the rampant suckery of ‘Alien v. Predator’!?! Don’t you people GET IT?!?! Don’t you even CARE!?!?! NO!?!?! THEN FUCK YOU, NIMRÓD, WITH YOUR STRAIGHT-TO-DVD RESUMÉ AND YOUR FUCKING ACCENT AIGU!! FUCK YOU, RODRIGUEZ, WHO COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO WATCH THE DAILIES IN BETWEEN BANGING WANNABE STARLETS AND KISSING DENIRO’S ASS SO HE’LL DO A CAMEO IN ‘MACHETE’!!! FUCK YOU McTIERNAN, FOR MAKING THE ORIGINAL SO GOOD THAT NOW WE CAN ONLY STARE IN THE FACE OF ALL THAT WE LACK!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! CANNOT BREATHE!!! AM DROWNING IN THE VISCOUS SLIME OF HORROR MEDIOCRITY!!! WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!”

And then come the credits. Think it’s too late to catch the midnight screening of ‘Twilight?’”

Melissa Lafsky is still pissed off.