Members of British Commons Drunk As Lords

In a move to show that they are accurately representing the electorate, a number of Knifecrime Island parliamentarians were completely tanked during the recent vote on the country’s emergency budget. Leading the way was a new Conservative member with the half-assed Dickensian name of Mark Reckless, who missed the vote entirely because, depending on which story you believe, he recognized that he was too inebriated to affirm his position (his version) or he was passed out on the terrace of the House of Commons (other versions). Either way, it sounds like he had a few too many.

Mr Reckless, the MP for Roch­ester, Kent, was among the most enthusiastic revellers. At one point, he fell on the floor and had to be helped to his feet.

Later, he struggled to open a bar door, repeatedly slamming it on his toe, apparently unaware his foot was in the way.

Reckless was bundled into a cab and returned to his constituency. Those who remained were not much better off, with one member observing, “Several ­people were legless. The Tory newcomers were the worst, but Labour MPs were knocking it back, too. MPs old enough to know better were all over the Sloane Rangers who have come to work here as secretaries and researchers since David Cameron got in,” while another noted that “[t]he chamber and the voting lobbies stank of booze and sweat.” Sadly, there are no reports of glassings, but it is still early days.