Real America: America's Most Violent, Patriotic Fireworks Ever

by Abe Sauer

The USO is urging Americans: “This Fourth of July, as we remember all those who fought for our independence, let’s make sure the brave men and women who are defending our country today know how much their sacrifice means to us.” The organization wants you to honor the troops this Independence Day so bad they are even spending your tax dollars to buy Google Ads against searches for “4th of July.” And what better way is there to celebrate the rigors and risks of a life spent actually risking life in combat than to recreate PTSD in your own backyard for your children?

Currently, all throughout the Midwest, any already-half-lit-up dude can pull his Escalade EXT and boat into a tent on the side of the highway and buy an unlimited amount of explosives. And for God’s sake buy them; homemade fireworks will do exactly what you expect homemade fireworks to do.

I dropped by a fireworks tent on Highway 151 in Wisconsin to give you an idea of just how you can support those troops fighting terrorist explosives by igniting explosives.

Air Tactics! This is the preferred Independence Day firework of AmericanAirPowerMuseum.com.

“Bad Ass” is the only firework that, through its logo, marries the 80s-obsessed “ironic” hipster Americans with “Fuck Yeah” blow-it-up American dudes.

Guys spending a “desert night” laughing about “blue steel?” Now that’s meta-enabling.

Light it and get the real ending to Lost.

Awesome. But the package designer maybe doesn’t understand “multi”?

I suspect the summer-break fireworks sales kid is making a tremendous point about global politics with this product layout. He should probably get an Awl column.

Next: Also there are fireworks about bears???

Appropriately, this offering from The Colbert Report is discounted.

“Night Invasion” plus “Bling Bling.” How many of your drunken late-night mistakes does this combo describe?

The greatest generation of our entertainment.

This is the firework that Disney copyright attorneys tell their spouses to tell their nannies to tell their non-English-speaking gardeners to ride a bike down the highway to get because it’s “ironic” and everyone will find it hilarious.

Freedom that truly speaks to us.

It is.

America, just remember, that assload of explosives in your trunk might now disqualify you from driving through Minneapolis’ I-94 Lowry tunnel. And dad, there’s no better way to ruin Independence Day than to couple your DUI charge with a federal terrorism indictment!