This Was Supposed To Be A Review Of The Movie 'Pacific Rim' But It's Mostly A Review Of My Above...

This Was Supposed To Be A Review Of The Movie ‘Pacific Rim’ But It’s Mostly A Review Of My Above-Ground Swimming Pool, But ‘Pacific Rim’ Is Crazy, Man!

Wowee, America* I am having a super-fantastic summer, seriously, I fixed the vinyl liner in my above-ground pool and now I can go swimming whenever I want, which is really great because of how hot it has been, which summer-wise, is a plus, the hot, and being able to come home all hot and bothered and then slip into a cool pool and a cold beer is very satisfying, in a totally Suburban way, which is not a disparagement of Suburbanites, because I live in a City, but it’s just kinda like a Suburban thing to have a pool, even though mine overlooks the alley and there are feral cats and rats (which I guess are also feral) and cracky-looking guys with weedwackers asking people if they want their lawn trimmed, which in my neighborhood, the lawns are so teensy-weensy you can trim them with a wacker, an electric one, even. The pool is kinda small (8’ x 12’ x 52″) and it’s 3000 gallons, which is about the size of one of those big fish tanks movie drug dealers (and probably real ones I guess) like to have in their castles, but I’m not a good swimmer so it all kinda works out, I can paddle around a little and not worry about drowning. Man, floating on a floaty thing in my tiny-ass pool, chillin’ with a Shiner Red Ruby beer (which some people don’t like because it is grapefruity, but I find it to be most refreshing), it’s night time and I can see the sky and maybe some stars, maybe listen to some music or a ball game, with the sound of traffic behind it all, that’s shit you capture in your mind for when it all goes south, you know? Hey, how is your summer going?

Right so, that asterisk: I am trying to cut down on my cursing a little, so now instead of a Curse, I say “America” a lot, although I am noticing that I have started saying “fuckin’ America, man,” which I have determined is a sort of inversion of “America: Fuck Yeah” from the South Park terrorism movie with the puppets, man, that was a good movie, they shoulda made a sequel, you know? I was super-jacked to see the Fast and Furious movie that came out a little while ago, but I got busy and never made it. I bet it was exactly what I think it is, so it’s almost like I don’t even have to see it, but I still want to see it, you know? I saw the Superman movie, and that was pretty good, if you like comic book movies, which it seems America really likes. I meant America-America that time and not a plug-in for a swear.

No offense to those two movies, but I just saw Pacific Rim and that is totally the official American Summer Blockbuster of my American Summer, seriously.

It is a movie that features giant robots fighting giant dino-looking monsters, and the robots have people inside them working them like puppets, so they really technically aren’t robots, they are more like giant puppets, but try getting a movie made where you are pitching giant puppets fighting giant monsters, and you’d get laughed right out of the elevator, right?

I’m not kidding about this movie, it’s INSANE, America, the fighting, and you have Suspended your Disbelief to believe you are looking at puppets that are as tall as skyscrapers, and they are America kicking hell out of everything, Collateral Damage to the infinity, man, buildings, trains, boats, and the monsters are really good fighters and some of them sound like Godzilla, a little, with that sorta train-whistle/elephant noise, and they are very bad and destroy everything, and every once in awhile you’re sitting in the movie thinking, “I am watching some puppets, or maybe some people dressed up like giant robotic puppets, beating the living crap out of each other, and this is kinda silly,” but it’s nowhere near as silly as the end of that last Batman movie where two guys in goofy costumes were beating the tar out of each other, and I dunno, man, there’s something about how it’s just straight-up unreal that makes it more real, like you get inside of the unreal and wear it like a giant robot monster suit.

I mean, America, you can imagine how dopey some of the words are, the actors have to say to each other, in the moments of acting as if they are pilots of giant dinosaur-fighting machinery, but then all of a sudden THERE’S A GIANT MONSTER! AMERICA! AND NOW THEY’RE SLUGGING IT OUT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA! LOOKOUT GIANT ROBOT, THAT THING’S TAIL HAS AN EXTRA BRAIN IN IT! AND IT KNOWS HOW TO FIGHT! AMERICA!!! The fight scenes in this movie are Hallucinatory, America, you will be tripping balls as if you are on some sort of psychedelic mind-altering dope, even if you have never done such a thing, this movie is NUTS. It’s also kinda boring in the middle, but then America gets real, and you will get caught up in it, right after you were thinking how silly it is. I can’t recommend this movie more, America, especially if it’s a sweltering hot day and you are seeking refuge in a dark, air-conditioned movie theater, and you want to forget about America for a coupla hours, dive into this Pacific Rim.

Mr. Wrong can converse with you via many medias. Photo by “Jebb.”