An American Places Bet On World Cup

World Cup fever: Have you caught it? Yeah, the World Cup. The quadrennial contest to see which country can prove its supremacy by knocking a ball around a soccer field with its feet? Yeah, I know, soccer, but it’s kind of a big deal, and not just to intellectuals who shun other sports but claim to have an abiding interest in “the beautiful game” because it makes them seem highbrow and somehow less geeky. Anyway, this time around the thing is happening in South Africa, and America’s first match pits us against our former colonial oppressors, the English. Naturally, the two nations’ ambassadors have engaged in the kind of pathetic municipal-style wager one usually sees during championship events in sports Americans actually care about. Here’s the deal: Should England prevail, the American ambassador will spend a day cleaning the teeming refuse that has taken over entire blocks of Knifecrime Island, while being forced to listen to Fat Les’ “Vindaloo” on repeat. If the Americans win, England’s going to send us as many knives as they can afford to part with, which it turns out is not very many. Go America! Kick that ball into the ropey hole more times than the other guys do! USetc!