Chocolate Chip: You Black Holes Better Watch Your Back
by Charlie
Oh my Gawd. They did it again! The fucking N.A.A.C.P., ruining everything for us normal, un-advanced blacks that just want to live out our lives in relative obscurity and maybe even blend in occasionally (THERE. I SAID IT). Here it is: Barry’s getting all kinds of shit because he’s an automaton and his operating system won’t allow him to show any anger/woefulness/sympathy regarding the BP oil spill (which is making all animals black), so the organized blacks are trying to raise the attention of the negative WHITE media. With what, you ask? A Hallmark card, natch!
First of all, when you’re accusing a fucking HALLMARK card of being racist you know that you’ve reached an all time low. Why? Well, let me point something out in case you missed it: IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING CARD! Okay, sure, it’s one of those doohickey, fancy (read: annoying as all hell) cards that “talk” but it’s a card nevertheless. Furthermore, the racist characters making these offensive remarks happen to be green and pink, rendering the whole black/white “racist” conundrum void.
Race-baiting parents of recent college grads heard the following when they opened their very racist graduation card with racist blue and pink spokespersons from racist cartoon/animation land:
“Hey world, we are officially putting you on notice….And you black holes — you’re so ominous! And you planets? Watch your back!”
Somehow, in the crazy galaxy N.A.A.C.P. member Leon Jenkins inhabits, “holes” and “whores” are synonymous and perhaps Rod Serling is the reincarnation of Nostradamus and actually everything in the Twilight Zone WILL come to pass… eventually… when we all live in a world where everyone’s skin is blue and pink?
According to ABC’s retelling of Hallmark’s claims: “The card’s theme is the solar system and emphasizes the power of the grad to take over the universe, even energy-absorbing black holes. The card company says the card speaks about the power the grad will wield.” Which, ha ha ha. Yeah right. Good luck trying to find a job, you suckers! Too bad your mom (is SHE the BLACK HOLE?) already converted your old bedroom into her beading and needlepoint headquarters!
“The intent here is to say that this graduate is not afraid of anything,” explained Hallmark personage Steve Doyal. Were Mr. Doyal a black man, I’m sure this would have been chalked up to some unfortunate misunderstanding. Instead, Hallmark pulled the card from the shelf after the Los Angeles chapter of the N.A.A.C.P. claimed the languuge was offensive. It’s a pretty pathetic victory. What, “take that you anthropomorphized, funny-looking cat bastards! We’ll show you who’s boss”? (Hangs head in embarrassment.) It’s a shame to think this is the kind of attention the N.A.A.C.P. wants to stir up when, let’s face it, there are more complicated, urgent racial injustices that need to be addressed.
Serious-like: Dear black men, don’t go on national television and say something is “very demeaning to African-American women.” I don’t know who put you up to that Mr. Jenkins, but I’m guessing it was a much smarter, African-American woman who had something more important to worry about that didn’t involve barbs from our NEW FRIENDS HOOPS AND YOYO.
Look, don’t get me wrong. I am all FOR the black agenda and especially for black women getting their propers, but I find this sort of muckraking completely nutso. Keep fighting the good fight but keep in mind that, when a greeting card calls me a black whore and tells me I need to watch my back, I’m pretty sure I can handle it.
Charlie is the pen name of a young professional woman in New York City who-I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just call me?