The Perfect Men's Swimsuit, for the Tardy

It is true that, despite the horrifying epidemic of cargo shorts on men right now (it’s so awful! They are so ugly! There are so many other kinds of shorts to wear, you lazy things!), at least swimsuits for men are largely in a good, agreed-upon place right now. (Handy 2010 guide: Dolce is too short, Thom Browne and Theory are too long, and Paul Smith is either too long or too short. Also Marc Jacobs is too girly.) It is well-described as James Bond-ey, or, as I like to think of it, James Bondi Beach. (SEE what I did there?) They are “classic swim trunks with a two-inch inseam, the short, sporty kind,” as today’s Times puts it. Amusingly, Parke & Ronen, the swimsuit purveyor they profile-shopping for these trunks on Ninth Avenue! Gasp!-was pimping the four-inch inseam back in 2006. Anyway, why are you buying swimsuits in early June? Where were you back in February? Jesus, quick, just buy whatever’s left, you’re lucky to find any clothing at all! (Also, just buy this or this.)