Bitcoin: Wha?

I have read, by conservative estimate, over a dozen pieces about Bitcoin in the last two years and I still could not accurately convey what it is or how it works even if for some reason the accurate conveyance thereof was the only thing that would save my loved ones from certain death at the hands of a maniac (and if you think that is an absurd scenario I’ll have you know that it is actually a plot point in the forthcoming Suicide Squad movie starring Jared Leto). I don’t get Bitcoin, is what I’m saying. In fact, if you want to put me into such a deep, unyielding sleep that you could do terrible things to me without resistance — which is another Suicide Squad story arc; that movie’s going to be amazing — all you need do is lean close to me and say the word “blockchain,” and boom, I’m out. Fortunately, John Lanchester, who I’ll read on anything, but especially on money, is here to explain it all to morons like me. Maybe this time it will stick.