Unemployed Man's Aptitude at Nut-Opening Rewarded By Health Benefits

Since losing my job as an editor at a music magazine last year, I’ve been thinking a lot about what else I could do to earn a living. I have a lot of records and I can write pretty good and I edit okay with the help of spellcheck. But these things do not seem to be as lucrative in today’s market as they might have been in the past. (They were never really that lucrative in the first place, I don’t think.) More than once, I’ve had the conversation with my wife like the famous one from Seinfeld, wherein George and Jerry are talking about what kind of job George should try to get and George wonders whether he might be able to become a general manager of a baseball team since he likes baseball, or a projectionist since he likes watching movies. Pretty depressing, I know. I am as unoriginal as I am single-faceted. When I think of things that I am actually good at, like better than other people, I always end up at the opening of pistachio nuts.

I am really good at opening them. Even the difficult ones. I’ve never entered into a competition or anything, but I really think I might be exceptionally good at it. I end up opening and enjoying many pistachio nuts that I think would go uneaten by most people, tossed back in the bowl, dumped into the garbage with the empty shells. I don’t mean the totally sealed ones, of course. I’m not getting out the exacto knife for 1/49th of an ounce of protein. Those do go in the garbage. But give me the slightest slit, a fingernail’s breadth of daylight, and more times than not, I’ll work my way in. I’m diligent, but really, it doesn’t usually even take me that long. Find the purchase, crack the hinge. Call it a gift.

So then yesterday there’s this article at the BBC talking about how nuts are so healthy and that eating them has been proven to lower your cholesterol level. And I read it and I’m psyched, because the last time I had a check-up-which was much too long ago. I need to make another one, which unfortunately will entail finding a new doctor, because my doctor has moved to Long Island or something. There was a letter in the mail like six months ago. When I had my last check up, my cholesterol level was too high-my bad cholesterol level, I guess I should note, since there are good ones now, too. The since-disappeared doctor told me I should try to eat less cheese and meat or whatever and to lose a little weight. (And to drink less and to not use certain types of drugs that I sometimes like to use, etc. etc.) She said I should make another appointment in a couple months, and that we’d check the level again and if it hadn’t gone down maybe she’d prescribe me some Lipitor or something.

So I tried to change my diet for a while, and I tried to go jogging more often. But I gave it up pretty soon. And didn’t ever call to reschedule another appointment. Because I really didn’t want to go on Lipitor. And then I lost my job and stopped jogging altogether, because being unemployed has, strangely, made me feel busier than I did when I had a job. And then the doctor moved. So I was sure my cholesterol level would be higher than ever now. And this was kind of bumming me out. Because, while I don’t want to go on Lipitor, I also don’t want to die. I have a kid and stuff. But maybe the one thing that I’m actually good at will save me.