What Do We Have To Do To Stop This Volcano?

I used to like volcanoes. What’s not to like, I thought, right? Huge mountains that explode and spew fire and hot lava everywhere? Nothing if not totally exciting and fascinating. I enjoyed the volcanoes in Tarzan and King-Kong and Godzilla movies as a child. I did the requisite science project in third grade-papier-mache, rubber tubing, baking soda and vinegar, etc. Fun and educational, I thought. I learned how to play Eddie Van Halen’s riff from “Eruption” on guitar and everything. Vesuvius, Etna, Krakatoa, Mount St. Helens, you name it: If it was a volcano, I thought it was pretty darn cool.

Well, not anymore. Now, I say: FUCK VOLCANOES!!! Godamn useless, silicone-shard-pollutant-spewing, airplane-engine-destroying, travel-plans-ruining stinking lumps of molten crap! Some people who haven’t taken a vacation in a very long time were supposed to be leaving for Paris tomorrow. But this stupid Icelandic force majeure blows up and becomes a majeure pain-in-the-ass. Volcanoes suck! I hope a tornado or an earthquake comes and knocks them all down. I hope a fucking asteroid storm from outer space rains down and blasts them all back down into the liquid-gaseous core of the earth where they belong. Motherless piece-of-shit geologic…

Wait. Scratch that. I just had an idea. In light of the news of out of West Bengal, where police are investigating a possible human sacrifice (a story that prompted BBC News to print the incredible sentence, “Human sacrifice is illegal in India.”), let me try a different approach. Please, please, Oh, mighty Eyjafjallajokull: Please, Oh great one, please cease sending your plume of ash so high into the heavenly flight paths. I beseech you, I pray to you. I come on bended knee. I have brought you a gift! Well, I haven’t brought him yet. But I am prepared to bring him, if you would so wish. He is not a virgin. Really, not even close, he’s done some horri… but I think you’ll find him a suitable offering. His name is Ted. Ted O’Brien. He’s a close friend of mine. I’ve known him since high school. It would bring me great sorrow to see him cast into the bubbling cauldron of your gaping maw. But if that would appease you and get you to stop this terrible vacation-ruining display of nature’s awesome power, he’s well, sacrificeable?