Mouthfeel: "Everybody's Nuts" Fraud Nuts Are Disgusting, Fraudulent

These Everybody’s Nuts brand pistachios were on sale at the Giant, right by the regular pistachios, and I was feeling cheap and in a hurry so I bought them. They are terrible.

I should have known not to buy pistachios that come in flavors. Pistachios should taste like pistachios and salt. But so I tried to get the most normal-sounding flavors I could: one bag of “European roast” and one of “salt & pepper.” Pepper’s pretty inoffensive, right?

Does your pepper grinder contain “Yeast Extract”? Because the Everybody’s Nuts pistachio company’s pepper grinder does! Also “Sugar, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Dextrose, Lemon Juice Concentrate,” and “Natural Flavor.” Also known as GENERIC SNACK-FOOD GARBAGE DUST.

Meanwhile the “European roast” contains “Modified Food Starch, Natural Flavor, Malt Vinegar, Spice,” and “Apple Cider Vinegar.” Is that really how they eat pistachios in Europe? With a mist of SOUR GARBAGE baked onto them?

Everybody’s Nuts brand pistachios are atrocious. The point seems to be that Americans are now so trained to eat industrial commodity-food mouth objects instead of food, even actual tasty foodstuffs need to be made to taste like FlaVorChem. Also, the Everybody’s Nuts packaging contains lots and lots of wacky text about how every single pistachio nut in the package is always wide open, always. I barely touched the Salt & Pepper bag, yet there was a tightly closed pistachio, right in the first handful. So they are disgusting and they are liars. Nice work. Apparently if I go to the Web site and report the unopened nut, I can get a “FREE bag.” Can I make that a bag of unadulterated pistachios, from some other company? Thanks.