Sweat It Up, New York

How hot is it gonna be today? The Times predicts “record-challenging warmth” with a high of 88. The Post calls it at 91, but you know how they exaggerate. (AccuWeather has it at 90, for what it’s worth.) Anyway, let’s not quibble over a few degrees: It’s gonna be hot. It’s gonna be so hot that everyone who was bitching about the cold and the rain a week or two ago is going to complain about how hot it is now, and then complain again during the weekend when it cools back down that it’s not hot enough. It’s gonna be so hot that Al Gore will walk around with a smug, justified smile all day. It’s gonna be so hot that pictures of attractive, scantily-clad young people perspiring sexily at local parks will be in all three papers tomorrow. It’s gonna be so hot that when you step out on your fire escape to smoke a cigarette, your heaving gut soaking the top band of your pants-it will be hot, but you are not allowed to wear shorts-with its fetid sweat, you will breathe in the humid air and think, “Ugh, can I face a whole summer of this? Again?” Then you will smoke and go back inside. It’s gonna be hot, I tell ya.