How To Stay Safe In New York City
by Michael R. Bloomberg
Of all the accomplishments my administration can claim credit for during my tenure as Mayor, perhaps the one I am most proud of is the continuing drop in crime. A great city is also a safe city, and I think it’s fair to say that New York is the greatest, safest big city in the world.
Now, you may have seen news recently that the murder rate has risen slightly during the first three months of the year, and that if things continue on pace the number of New Yorkers killed will rise for the first time in decades. I vigorously dispute that prediction-we’re going to pump a bunch of Prozac into the city’s water supply this summer, which should pacify enough people to bring the figures back down to a manageable level-but there’s no denying the fact that we’ve had a rough couple of months.
Why? Well, we’re in a recession, although you’d be hard-pressed to know that if you tried to get a table at 8 PM at the new Danny Meyer restaurant on Gramercy Park. Heck, even the diners-where I eat all the time, mostly to monitor the salt content in the food-are packed. But, yes, times are hard. We have fewer police officers than we did before. More cops always helps. But if you’ve been following all the cockamamie crap going on up in Albany, you know that we’re not going to get money for more police anytime soon. And with the President dragging his feet on gun control, it’s unlikely that we’re going to be much safer either.
Still, the great thing about New Yorkers is their can-do attitude, and the rugged independence with which they move to solve their own problems. Sure, there may not be as many cops on the beat, but if you use a little common sense you can protect yourself from criminals. In that spirit, I would like to offer you an important safety tip that just might save your life. Here’s how to kill a man with a MetroCard:
1. Take the card and fold it lengthwise. You should fold it so that the yellow side faces down, because you’re going to be using it as a weapon and any splash of color might give your assailant an extra second to realize that shit is about to get real.
2. Using the pointed edge from the wedge you’ve just made, slice at your attacker with an upward thrust. I usually go for the eyes or the neck, but I’ve found that shearing off part of an ear is also disorienting enough to give you time to finish the job. N.B., you need to use the left side of the card, the one with the arrows and the instructions “Insert this way / This side facing you.” I’m not sure why this works, but trust me, it does.
3. A more complicated and intricate weapon is something I call “The Double Wedge.” Fold the card like you did in Step 1. Using scissors, cut a 3/4-inch line along the fold. Bend back the two separate sides as far as they go, and then refold the card again, making sure that all ends are extra-sharp. Now you can take out two guys at a time.
4. Once your assailant is down, you need to move quickly. (And carefully! The ground will be very slippery due to blood, and I don’t want you to trip and fall and then sue the city. We really cannot afford another lawsuit.) Starting at the superior thyroid, slice across to the external carotid artery. You want to use some pressure here, because as good as your MetroCard is, by the third slash it starts to get slightly dull, and, really, who wants to spend all night slicing a guy to death? It’s a busy city and we’ve all got things to do!
5. Give the guy a swift kick to make sure he’s really done and then run like hell. You’re probably going to want a cigarette, but if I catch you smoking one I will slice you to death myself.
Sounds simple enough, right? Really, anyone can do it. Look at me! It’s not exactly news that I’m not the world’s biggest guy, but one night Ed Skyler and I were coming back from some terrible charity event in Brooklyn and my official vehicle popped a flat. “What the hell,” I said, “let’s take the train! I’ve never been on a ride that lasts more than six minutes, it could be fun.” I should mention we were both pretty hammered, but Sky was definitely worse off than me. Anyway, we’re down on the platform, just the two of us, and some punk comes up and starts hassling Sky for being too young to be a deputy mayor. I kneed that dude in the nuts and whipped out my pre-folded MetroCard. Within thirty seconds I had gutted him like a hog. We’re talking some serious Julie Powell action here. Sky lost his shit. I mean, dude was yakking all over the station. I kicked the body onto the tracks and slapped Sky hard across the face and told him to act like a man, but in his defense, he was pretty hammered, and not everyone can handle the sight of internal organs bleeding out as a human life slips away. He was SO hungover the next day. We still get a good laugh about that.
Anyway, there you go! I hope you find this information helpful. I’ll come back here shortly after we announce the next round of budget cuts to teach you how you can put out a three-apartment fire using only flour, household vinegar, and a bus transfer. Go Red Sox Mets and Yankees!
Michael R. Bloomberg will never not be the mayor of New York.