There Are More People In New York Than Ever So If You're Still Alone The Problem Is You

“According to the United States Census Bureau, which last week announced its annual estimates for our city, we’ve reached a record high of 8,550,405 New Yorkers,” notes the New York Times, so if you’re lonely now it is pretty clearly because you are awkward, depressing and uncomfortable to be around, and the possibility that you’ll ever find anyone who wants to spend even a short amount time with you — let alone love you — should be completely erased from your mind. The good news is you’ll probably be priced out pretty soon, so maybe you can fool someone in whatever loser city you have to move to into thinking you’re not sad and damaged. Their standards are probably lower than the 8.5 million people here who have considered what you’ve got on offer and said, “Pass.” I’d wish you good luck but, knowing you, I’m sure you’ll manage to fuck it up somehow. God, go away already, you’re bumming me out.

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