Knifecrime Island Glassing Victim Speaks Out

Greetings from Britain, “the glassing capital of the world”:

I was glassed/bottled once a year for three years running. The first happened in Southport because I was wearing a long scarf. The third time was for accidentally spraying somebody with beer in the Old Blue Last. The second, and worst, was on Charing Cross Road in London by a guy who attempted to smash a bottle on the wall three times to stab me. I laughed at him but then he smashed the beer bottle in my face and ran off while his girlfriend cried: “Oh my gawwwwd. What ‘ave you done!” I put my hand to my head and felt a four-inch flap of skin come lose from my head.

This account offers some sociological explanations for the prevalence of glassing in Knifecrime Island, but I have my own theory. I read an article in this weekend’s Telegraph about the decline in popularity of marmalade in that island nation.

The tangy spread is vanishing from the nation’s breakfast tables — along with, it must be noted, the breakfast tables themselves. The scoff-as-you-go culture of a society in headlong retreat from the civilised rituals that once held it together doesn’t have time to sit down over poached eggs, buttered toast and splodges of amber goo.

Curious, I made my way to the grocery to procure some of this apparently magical condiment. Having somehow managed to make it thus far in life without availing myself of its reported pleasures, I reckoned now was as good a time as any to try it. And you know what? It is some NASTY, BITTER shit. I have to believe that the Britons of old spent so much time scraping it off of their goddamn tongues that they never had the time or inclination to go about stabbing their countrymen. Now, what with its disappearance, they’ve got all the experience of using sharp objects but no time-consuming tongue scraping duties to distract themselves with. Naturally they’re going to get up to no good. As our glassing correspondent has it, “If you’re a dedicated British drinker who doesn’t restrict himself to drinking in the same safe gentrified hipster bars every night then being attacked with some kind of weapon is not just something you need to be mildly worried about. It’s something that you must accept as normality.”