Consider the Dildo Man
by Katie Notopoulos
JACKPOT
Look,
I’m a simple man. I work hard, I love my family, I love my country. I’ve been the foreman at the dildo factory for fifteen years. I started when I was just nineteen, when my buddy Phil helped me get a job sweeping the shop floors. I put in the hours, I kept my head down, I respected my bosses, and pretty soon I was promoted up the ranks. First, I started helping stir the vats of liquid silicone, and then I moved up onto the assembly line, packaging the dildos into their plastic packaging. Soon I was doing quality assurance, helping Acme Dildos turn out more and higher quality dildos than ever before.
As the foreman, it’s my job to keep the workers on the factory floor safe. Sure, you might think when you get your dildo that it’s all fun and games, but you might not realize how hard someone worked to make that. When you’re gash-jacking away at your holes with one of our dildos, you’re probably not thinking of the men and women who helped mix the color dyes and tossed out any dildos from the batch with even the smallest imperfection. And that’s okay — we don’t need you to thank us while you de-louse the crawlspace. We want you to enjoy yourself. That’s what keeps us going. That’s what makes us rest easy at night when we go to bed, knowing that the work we do is bringing someone joy.
So, when one of the silicone mixers accidentally gets the pH balance off, we’re not going to let you end up with one of those defective space invaders in your poop chute. We take quality seriously. I take it seriously. That’s why as foreman, I made the call that we needed to throw away that entire run of dildos. Sure, Acme Dildos is going to take a bit of a loss today. Seeing so much product go to waste hurts our bottom line. You know what hurts worse? Imagining that we might have let our customers down with an inferior product.
You might see a dumpster full of dildos. But I see hope. Hope that caring about your customers still means something in this country. Hope that an honest day’s work creating something — actually making a great product — still means something important in this country. Hope that pride in your work still means something, hope that hard work is a lesson you can pass onto your kids.
You see dildos. I see making America great again.
— Foreman, ACME Dildo