77% of American Women Shack Up With What's His Name Instead of Getting Married Under God

American straight ladies no longer wish for a white wedding dress the way they did when we had Traditional Values, before they were born, because “living in sin” is the new normal for a nation without a Vengeful God. Now that nobody believes in religion, U.S. women are shacking up at record levels — in the popular 30-and-under demographic, 77% of American girls have “shared an address” with their dudes.

While straight people have all but given up on marriage, gay people have become the only moral examples in a nation that has utterly turned its back on both decency and responsibility.

But some experts say it’s not just the morals of heterosexuals that are to blame. It’s the fact that most of them are so desperately poor.

More people are putting off marriage either because they can’t afford it or because it’s financially risky, said Gail Wyatt, the director of the University of California Los Angeles’s sexual health program …. “Marriage is for people who have money and want to spend money just on the wedding itself,” Wyatt said in a telephone interview. She wasn’t involved in the study. “Some people would rather buy a house, or just pay the rent.” People who are poor or less educated may shy away from marriage and its legal complications, she said.

Perhaps marriage has become too complicated, what with its “legal complications” and wedding expenses. Even the Supreme Court is involved with marriage these days — that’s how complicated it has become! Surely there’s a way that straight people could marry without taxing their minds or having to go to the CoinStar machine again.

Or, perhaps marriage just isn’t in the cards for America’s beleaguered heterosexuals. It’s really kind of a luxury market, and we can’t all be the 1%.