My Baby? My Baby Seems So Smart But I'm Also Scared About My Baby

Dear New York magazine,

My baby. My baby! Recently my baby had some tests. My baby is 2.5 months old. My baby! Sometimes my baby seems different than other babies. My baby should have be accepted to a very good college in the year 2025. My baby likes yams and dislikes all loud noises that are not the sound cows make. My baby has good arm strength but bad color-name recognition. My baby! Last night I had a dream that my baby had a prehensile tail, and when I woke up, I confess that I wished it was true. Oh, sometimes I think my baby is really listening to me when I read to it in Russian, but then I see that my baby is staring just past the top of my head, at the mirror. Does my baby recognize my baby in the mirror? I think my baby is terrified of faucets, and so I try not to turn them on. Ever. My baby came out of a human being and it is all I can think about, that the baby was made out of people, not bought from people. Do I want another baby as well? Would that be twice as much baby, or really more like thrice? Would I be betraying my baby? What if I had another baby and something was wrong with my baby? What would I do then? What if secretly something is wrong with this baby that I already have? And I am about to find that secret out-maybe later today even, or it could be tomorrow, or possibly sometime in the middle of next week? What will I do for my baby then?

Sincerely,

A Parent
Brooklyn, New York