Let's Sell Some Shit To These Millennials

by Jason Feifer

Welcome, everyone, and thanks for choosing Market 2 Millennials Co. I’m thrilled to be working with you all from Hardwick Sandwich Bags. In front of each seat at this conference table is a cheese sandwich, in a bag, with a name written on it. Please, find yours. And as you do, I just have to say, and I’m speaking from the heart here: You folks make great bags. It was a joy bagging those sandwiches for you. So baggable.

But you have a problem. We conducted a survey for you, and, listen, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to be upfront: While millennials are Snapchatting, they are ninety-seven percent less likely to be bagging lunch. Less than one tenth of one percent of all tweets are about sandwich bags. Let that sink in. Nobody is tweeting about bags.

This won’t turn itself around. Millennials weren’t raised the way we were, with a passion for sandwich bags. To instill it in them, I’ve developed a customized, four-step plan that I call B.A.G.S. Let’s go through it.

Step “B”: Build The Base! First, we need millennials to understand sandwich bags. We need to make them relevant. The kids, they don’t eat sandwiches. They’ve never seen one. But their iPhone? That fits inside a bag. And the bag is clear. Do you see where I’m going with this? If you were all 24 years old, you would. Kids can take a selfie… with the phone… inside the bag! So fun, right? So we’ll get them started, and have them call it a baggie. They’ll hashtag it: #baggie. All the love millennials have for selfies will be transposed onto bags, and then it’s time for…

Step “A”: Activate! It’s off to the races. Millennials will do literally anything you ask, so long as it involves a catchy hashtag. We’ll tweet out #MyBagBrag, inviting millennials to show off their brand-new bags. We’ve got #FlyTheBagFlag, where a kid ties the corner of a bag to his finger, waves it around and Vines it. And you’ve got to go edgy, of course, so we’ll do #ShagBag, where the kids are encouraged to have sex with a bag. Don’t worry about logistics. They’ll figure it out.

Making you hungry yet? Feel free to open those bags in front of you. God, I love that sound of crinkly plastic.

Step “G”: Galvanize! Once we’ve shown millennials what a bag can do, they’ll need a bag of their own. This generation loathes anything from before 1997. Just look at the briefcase industry — absolutely murdered by millennials. And that’s why it’s critical, right now, that you launch a new line of sandwich bags very explicitly for young people. They need to feel involved. Catered to.

Here’s the rollout: First, we hire YouTube stars to walk into bars in New York and L.A., order beer, and pour it all directly into a bag. But not just any bag: a gold-tinted bag that says SWAG BAG in big, bold letters. All the millennials in the bar will crowd around and Instagram it. Everyone will want to know: What’s this bag, and where can I get it? Great buzz there. And then we announce the product with a big, splashy, sponsored content post on BuzzFeed called 14 Things You Can Put In Bags. By week’s end, millennials will be lining up overnight outside of supermarkets like they’re buying the Apple Watch.

Now the millennials know: Hardwick Sandwich Bags understands them. This Swag Bag is for their swag.

Step “S” is for Surprise! Now we mix things up. Millennials — so entitled, right? Lets harness that. One month after the launch, we halt production of the Swag Bag. The kids will demand it back. We’ll invite a Vice reporter to Hardwick headquarters, and blame the stoppage on the vindictive briefcase industry. That’ll make sense to millennials immediately. Then we seed a grassroots campaign to demand the bags’ return. We’ll drive hard on the hashtags — #BringBackBags, #NeverForget, our most powerful stuff. We’ll offer free Uber rides to anyone who goes to their nearest briefcase store and tweets a #baggie giving the thumbs down. Then we’ll hire the Backstreet Boys to reunite under the name Bagstreet Boys, with a new single called “Bag, Come Back, Baby.”

By this point, bags are the most epic, beloved product on the internet. Adored by millions. You’ll have earned the ultimate reward: everyone tweeting about bags! That’s what we wanted all along. And it’ll last for a good, long time — at least four hours. So we pounce: We announce that Hardwick Sandwich Bags is closing down, but will be relaunching immediately as Hardwickz, which makes Doritos-style chips but in millennial-friendly flavors like coffee, internet, and handcrafted vodka.

Because let’s be honest: Who’s buying bags anymore? It’s a dying business. But millennials sure do love Doritos, so let’s chase that with everything we’ve got.

Image from Prismpak