Mercy-Killing 'Mad Men'
Mad Men ended before I had the time, or desire, to catch up. What follows is a mercy kill; a humane alternative to a twenty-hour life detour in service of completing an increasingly grim show, executed in work chat on Monday morning.
ME: I’m disappointed the internet hasn’t spoiled Mad Men for me yet
I want this to be over
Won’t someone tweet the fatal tweet
CHOIRE: John I can spoil you so hard
Actually (lol ACTUALLY) it’s so worth watching because there’s like eight white bit-part characters who are all acting their faces off because they’re like IM IN THE FUCKING MAD MEN FINALE.
Like they made $450 and did a day’s work and probably got beaten with a bag of oranges by Matthew Weiner but they did great work.
ME: Is anyone. ANYONE. Dead?
CHOIRE: Ready?
Everyone turns out okay.
ME: Nooooooo
CHOIRE: Except Bob Benson who’s in fag heaven somewhere.
And Betty lol RIP
Oh and I guess Sally who turns into fucked up Betty Jr
ME: What did Betty die of
Betty died of being hated by her creator
Just as we all will
ME: To be clear, Don didn’t die
CHOIRE: His body remains alive yes
ME: Is Peggy president of the United States or is Joan
CHOIRE: Close enough YES
ME: Is PETE dead at least
CHOIRE: Joan is basically white Oprah
Pete is basically Elon Musk
Peggy is Mary Erdoes
God I hope [coworker also in group chat] has watched this or I’m a dead man.
Unlike Don.
Who is alive.
And not dead from falling of a building as foretold.
ME: This is terrible news
CHOIRE: I’m so sorry.
ME: did Sal come back
CHOIRE: No gays were harmed in the making of this episode.
This episode refused to put the dick back in Dick Whitman.
I’m sorry for that cheap joke.
ME: Megan: dead?
CHOIRE: Megan’s probably hanging from the rafters in Laurel Canyon.
ME: did any of the characters’ family members die, perhaps offscreen?
Did anyone get any alarming phone calls at least
CHOIRE: There were many alarming phone calls but they were telephonic icepicks designed to break through various emotional glaciers and so for instance Peggy can have sex with a man again now.
Thank god otherwise what’s the point of life am I right ladies.
ME: I looked up the top songs from 1970 and I have a few questions
did the show use:
RAINDROPS KEEP FALLIN’ ON MY HEAD
No.
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE
No.
BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER
Yes but only where we couldn’t hear it.
ME: Nice
Were there any flash-forwards to, say, a Brand Newsroom
CHOIRE: There was a glimmer of the horror of the future for sure but mostly it was drowning in the metacommentary of each of us lazing about drinking corn syrup in front of our TVs.
ME: So in a way, we are the ones who die
CHOIRE: There’s only one way out and it involves moving to California except now everyone’s already done that so yes we’re dead.
ME: Ok
Thanks.