How Cold Will It Be This Weekend?

How cold will it be this weekend? The birds in the trees will cease to sing their songs and the only sounds you will hear are the slow susurrations of starlings descending to the ground forever in a grim display of death. How cold will it be this weekend? The horns from cars that almost always signal impatience or displeasure will fall into disuse as the angry drivers who are so frequently prone to hammer upon them clutch their gloved hands together to conserve energy and warmth. How cold will it be this weekend? The urine that streams down city sidewalks will freeze and shatter, failing to even emit a small amount of steam upon its exit from bodies which will themselves immediately crack and collapse, victims of a titanic, inescapable cold the likes of which we have never seen before, a harsh, relentless chill which will show no mercy and yield no succor nor assistance to the afflicted or the comforted both. How cold will it be this weekend? It’s going to be pretty fucking cold. I bet this is the first you’re hearing about it.