Jared Kushner Runs an Errand for Ivanka

IVANKA is sitting up straight on her reclining couch scrolling through her father’s Twitter feed as she realizes the only president he knows is Andrew Jackson. JARED is practicing an elevator pitch to himself. Apple Pay but for other kinds of phones.

IVANKA [decisively]: I need you to go to the nearest bank. Withdraw some bills we can use as flashcards for Daddy. The only way he will learn Abraham Lincoln, I’m afraid, is by memorizing that he is the one on the front of the $5 bill. [IVANKA gets up from the fainting couch, autographs several of her books and boxes them for FedEx.] We’ll keep one set of the bills in the West Wing for Kellyanne to use with him and the second set we will send to Mar-a-Lago.

JARED [smiling as he remembers the day Lehman Brothers went under]: I didn’t think Washington had banks.

IVANKA [smiling as she remembers that it was Bill Clinton who gutted the Glass-Steagall Act]: A commercial bank, not an investment bank. Go to the teller and let her know we need two of every denomination.

JARED [to himself]: A tell-her?

[IVANKA asks her butler to wake STEVE BANNON, who is upstairs sleeping off his midday screwdrivers, and then reserve him a Zipcar so that he can drop of her signed books at FedEx. JARED follows the butler out and whispers to him that he doesn’t know where a commercial bank is. The butler rolls his eyes, opens the shades, and points to the Bank of America across the street.]

JARED [upon entering the bank]: Hi. Are you the tell-her? [The security guard shakes his head and points to the teller, KATHY, who is readying her register for business.]

KATHY [bracing herself because JARED looks like he would have a lot of questions that would answer themselves if his first inclination wasn’t always to cry for help]: How is your day going, sir?

JARED [looking around, for a fainting couch, maybe]: How do we do this? I tell you stuff? In front of all these people? [JARED motions his head towards all the people who have begun lining up behind him.]

KATHY [graciously]: Well, that depends. What do you need?

JARED [starting over]: I ran out of face wash a few weeks ago and so, as a very temporary life hack, I guess, I started using my wife’s apricot one. That turned into every morning, though. Like, such a simple thing to remember and I never could. And it would frustrate me. Because, like, what if someone smelled apricot on me? What if Eric or Don Jr. thought I was wearing perfume? What would happen?

[KATHY tries to make eye contact with the security guard but he is helping an old lady pick up all the money she accidentally dropped everywhere because she was eavesdropping on JARED. The teller keeps looking, until she locks gazes with her co-worker, another teller, SANDY.]

JARED [obliviously]: Anyhow, I finally remembered to ask the staff to buy me my face wash. I opened a brand new one this morning. That made me feel good. [JARED inhales and smiles because he doesn’t smell like apricot today.] My last tell-her asked me to make a list of all the people who validate me.

KATHY [patiently]: What’s your goal today, sir?

JARED [defiantly]: That’s an easy one. To grow my businesses and to be a more successful real estate guy than my father-in-law.

KATHY [realizing JARED still is not on her page, yet with hope]: Okay, well small business loans are over there. And home financing is —

[SANDY meets KATHY at her register. She mouths, is everything OK, and then whispers that she thinks the man is one of Princess Diana’s boys. Meanwhile, the line behind JARED is getting very, very long. There’s a MILLENNIAL waiting to ask for a key to the bathroom, and a middle-aged man, KEN, who keeps saying things loud enough for the others in line to hear or react to.]

KATHY [whispering to SANDY]: I think he thinks we are his therapists?

SANDY [to JARED, saltily]: Jesus Christ. Make a list of people who validate you. Try to validate them back. And then resolve to spend more of your free time with them.

JARED: The generals validate me, surprisingly enough. Or they used to. When we were in the Mideast together, troubleshooting that crisis. I’m not sure who validates me anymore.

SANDY [angling for a promotion, even though KATHY has more seniority]: This is a bank. Do you need to withdraw money? Make a deposit?

JARED [finally remembering IVANKA’s directive]: Yes, yes. I need two copies of every different — [JARED thinks of the word ‘bill.’] Of every different bill you have.

KEN [from the line, loudly]: Would you three get a room? [KEN looks around for others to agree. Then he speaks directly to the disinterested millennial.] That’s Jared, the one married to Ivanka. I didn’t vote for those guys but if I did I’d be pretty pissed those two were the ones running everything.

MILLENNIAL [sardonically]: They’re not running anything. It’s just PR.

KEN [combatively]: Agree to disagree

[The MILLENNIAL Instagrams JARED, KATHY and SANDY, and tags the photo, Ivanka dumped. It goes viral immediately.

Meanwhile, IVANKA and her butler have successfully woken up STEVE BANNON. She’s related to him that he’s to use the Zipcar out front to transport her books to the nearest FedEx. STEVE BANNON agrees, but in fact, he is lying. He will drive the Zipcar to the very ravine he strongly believes Vince Foster’s body to have once been hidden in. Because he plans to push the Zipcar, books included, into the ravine, he makes a mental note to check that the reservation is for a Mini Cooper, or other lightweight car.]

IVANKA [to STEVE BANNON, truthfully]: To thank you for your time I have reserved you a floor of rooms at the Best Western that you can trash. All I ask is that if you exercise your option to eat the hotel’s free continental breakfast, you not return here for at least one bowel cycle.

[IVANKA opens Instagram and sees her husband chatting up the working class. She phones the bank branch and directs the manager, JOYCE, to fire the tellers flirting with her husband. STEVE BANNON exits, while slurring JARED.]

JOYCE: Your wife is on the phone. She said you’re to go to the White House, deliver the cash to Kellyanne, and then wait in the map room until further instruction. [JOYCE hands the phone to JARED, and tells her staff that she would never fire them because of a Trump. We all resist in different ways, she says to them and to her customers.]

JARED [nervously]: Hello.

IVANKA: No tens. Hamilton is theirs. Put Joyce back on. [JARED hands the phone to JOYCE, and IVANKA motions to her butler to call her a car.]

JARED [to both tellers and their manager]: Can I have my flashcards? No tens, please.

[JARED sulks to the White House. He does as he is told, and hands the cash flashcards to KELLYANNE who is expecting him, eagerly. He sits down in the map room, making notes. IVANKA walks in and reads the piece of paper JARED is working on. It’s the list of people who validate him.]

IVANKA: Remove me from your list and then erase Steve Bannon’s white board. Leave every fourth word so that the mainstream media can speculate about what message Bannon is transmitting to his neo-Nazis. [IVANKA claps her hands to indicate to JARED to hurry up.] I’m going on book tour. You have the children and Bannon until I’m back.

JARED: Joyce told me that the $100,000 bill isn’t in circulation anymore.

IVANKA [exiting]: A shame. Daddy would’ve liked some of Woodrow Wilson’s policies.