The Rodent and the Mayor

Brian Morris, a spokesman for the zoo, said officials were in the process of revisiting animal protocols, and it was “more than likely” that new rules would keep mayors and groundhogs from coming into contact every February.

“It’ll protect our animals,” he said, “and it’ll also protect whoever the mayor is.”

Keeping large rodents out of the hands of towering New York City mayors will no doubt save their lives, given the recent events that led to the death of Charlotte, aka Chuck, the mystical groundhog — but what grave harm, exactly, must the mayor be shielded from? The conspiracy is real, folks.