Jared Kushner Wears The Wrong Socks

Image: mark via Flickr

JARED is using IVANKA’s paper shredder to destroy copies of MICHAEL WOLFF’s Fire and Fury. He’s not sure who sent five hundred copies of the book to the White House, but if pressed to guess, he’d have to say it was STEVE BANNON. He’s doing his best to get rid of the books before they provoke another meltdown from TRUMP, but it takes a really long time to destroy that many pages, and no one is helping. IVANKA is reclining on her fainting couch, not eating. Their DAUGHTER, the Shadow President, is vetting nominees to the federal bench, while also practicing her handwriting. STEPHEN MILLER and ONE OF THE TRUMP SONS are huddled around STEPHEN MILLER’s monitor laughing their asses off. They’re watching YouTubes of people eating really spicy foods. GENERAL KELLY strides in, dressed like an old-timey gym teacher and twirling a whistle. He’s with KELLYANNE CONWAY, who’s breaking her number one rule for the workplace: sweating in the vicinity of male colleagues.

GENERAL KELLY [aggressively]: Jared, you’re up.

[JARED pretends he can’t hear GENERAL KELLY. He puts down and then picks up a book. He looks at the floor.]

GENERAL KELLY [blowing into his whistle]: Jared, I know you can hear me.

[JARED pretends to be reading Fire and Fury. He knows that today begins GENERAL KELLY’s twenty-one day body transformation regimen, and he never got strong enough over break to do push-ups not on his knees. KELLYANNE CONWAY dabs her brow with some of the shredded paper that’s everywhere.]

GENERAL KELLY [softly but in a sociopathic way]: We’re leaving in ten

KELLYANNE CONWAY [piecing together the shreds]: Steve sent these, didn’t he? That asshole is so fucking pathetic.

[GENERAL KELLY turns to KUSHNER DAUGHTER and explains to her that he knows she has no one to look up to, but the least the adults around her could do is not swear. He thanks her for her service. He exits to begin TRUMP’s “Executive Time.” TRUMP SON says “Dilly dilly,” as JARED pretends to read the part of Fire and Fury where he offered to marry JOE SCARBOROUGH and MIKA BRZEZINSKI. He tears out the page. It would feel cathartic if he were able to release emotion, but instead he just feels a papercut.]

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [resting her hand on her father’s shoulder, lovingly]: Dad, it’s not that bad. We played with one of those giant parachutes I had at my old school.

KELLYANNE CONWAY [eavesdropping]: Oh my God, that’s what he had you do? That’s so easy. [KELLYANNE CONWAY grimaces and rubs her leg to convey how sore she is from all the squat jumps GENERAL KELLY assigned to her.] We had to use battle ropes.

[JARED furrows his brow because he doesn’t know what a battle rope is. He hasn’t been to a gym since that one time in college when his roommate asked him if he could even run a mile.]

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [precociously]: Like the rope Steve Bannon stole from the USS Little Rock. Gyms use blue collar-slash-military accoutrements now.

KELLYANNE CONWAY [gaslighting, maybe]: Just make sure you’re wearing white gym socks. He freaked out when I was wearing black socks, and I’m in the best shape of my life.

JARED [anxiously]: Why would I have those kinds of socks?

[KELLYANNE CONWAY, disinterested, pats her pockets looking for gum. When she finds none, she exits to go ask HOPE HICKS for some, so she has a piece to chew in case she decides to vomit later. GARY COHN strides in, chugging Pedialyte. He says he is so fucking dehydrated, to no one. TRUMP SON, again, says, “Dilly dilly.” KUSHNER DAUGHTER asks her mother, still reclining, why Uncle Junior is at work today and IVANKA says that that’s not Uncle Junior. It’s the other one. GARY COHN’s phone rings. He answers it. There’s crosstalk until GARY COHN’s voice is the only one you can hear. He’s saying that he was too lazy to get up and piss so when he woke up this morning he really had to go, like he could taste it, that’s how bad he had to go. He’s asking why he always does that, to whoever is on the other end.]

GARY COHN [into his phone]: Validate myself. Yes, yes. [GARY COHN smiles warmly.] Deprive myself now, so I can fulfill myself later. Yes. [GARY COHN feels happy.] Okay, Oprah. I’m here. Yes, here, as in the belly of the beast, yes. But we’ll definitely be talking soon.

STEPHEN MILLER [like a parrot if parrots were rich, racist idiots from Southern California]: You need to be wearing white gym socks. General Kelly is particular about athletic socks.

GARY COHN [unhappy, again]: Steve, shut the fuck up. Jared, make sure you’re wearing white gym socks and you’ll be fine. I wasn’t and the fucker had me do air pushups until exhaustion.

[JARED lifts up his pant leg to expose black dress socks.]

GARY COHN [cracking his back]: Didn’t you see my message? I texted you to wear white fucking socks.

JARED [panicked]: I didn’t bring my phone to work. We’re not supposed to bring our phones to work anymore.

GARY COHN [wearily]: Jared, what did I say about following rules? Rules are for people who go through metal detectors.

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [powerfully]: It’s a resolution, not a rule. General Kelly wants us all to resolve to be in the best shapes of our lives before midterms.

GARY COHN [dismissively]: Resolutions are for people with room to grow.

[STEVE BANNON enters. He’s obviously wearing white tube socks. He’s also carrying a plunger and jangling a set of keys because he is pretending to be the janitor now. KUSHNER DAUGHTER makes eye contact with JARED and then directs her eyes to STEVE BANNON’s socks.]

JARED [hopelessly]: No.

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [correctly]: It’s wear those, or General Kelly will have you do cardio.

[JARED whispers to GARY COHN that he can’t really do even one good push-up. GARY COHN asks JARED to square his shoulders and then agrees that, yeah, JARED is probably right. JARED asks STEVE
BANNON if he can wear his socks.]

STEVE BANNON [reasonably, for him]: Just wear your work socks. What the fuck is wrong with you?

JARED [unlacing his shoes]: I don’t think that’s an option.

[GARY COHN and KUSHNER DAUGHTER agree that that’s not really an option for JARED.]

STEVE BANNON [tossing the shredded paper into the air like it’s confetti]: You guys know who sent you all these books, right?

JARED [desperately, for him]: Can I please wear your socks?

STEVE BANNON [proudly]: I sent you all those books.

JARED [impatiently]: We know.

IVANKA [standing up from her fainting couch, finally]: Why is he here?

[STEVE BANNON plays Jesus Jones’ “Right Here, Right Now” on his phone and kicks off his sneakers. EVERYONE gags, as he peels off a sock from his right foot.]

IVANKA [screaming, for once]: Steve. Desist.

JARED [hands clasped, as if in prayer]: I need—

IVANKA [calmly]: You need to learn to do a push-up. [IVANKA exits to tell TRUMP that his son is in the building.]

JARED [to himself]: I need to learn to do a push-up.

[GENERAL KELLY returns, blowing his whistle to alert his arrival, as JARED sulks. GARY COHN and KUSHNER DAUGHTER argue about whether TRUMP, in bed since yesterday, has a cold or has the flu. STEVE BANNON puts his shoes back on, picks up a broom, and begins sweeping up the shredded pages of Fire and Fury. He’s also secretly recording everything.]